Jesus Is Here

(I’ve not posted much fiction here for a while, as my fiction-writing has mostly been for the second novel, which is slower going as it’s required a lot of research. So I thought I’d take up Chuck Wendig’s latest flash fiction challenge. He said to use a random cocktail generator to get a title, and write something 1000 words or less. I got “Jesus Is Here”. I’m going to write this one draft, in less than an hour, with no idea to start with. Let’s see what happens.)

“Jesus is here.”
“What?”
“I said Jesus is here.”
“Who?”
“Jesus, you know. Jesus. The Son of God. The Son of Man. The Word, embodied in flesh. The second part of the Trinity. JESUS.”
“Oh, Jesus?”
“Yes, Jesus.”
“Tell him to eff off”
“I can’t, he’s ineffable”
“Well, invite him in then.”
“I already did. He said he can’t stop.”
“Well, what does he want?”
“Why don’t you come here and ask him yourself? I’m not your bloody messenger!”
“I’m eating me dinner!”
“All right… hang on, I’ll ask him… he says he wants to know if you’re a sheep or a goat.”
“No, I’m not.”
“(He says he’s not)… No, he meant which one are you. It’s one or the other, you’ve got to choose!”
“But I’m not a sheep *or* a goat! I’m a primate, not an ungulate!”
“What’s an ungulate?”
“Never mind. Just tell him that I’m not a sheep and I’m not a goat. I’m a human being, and I’m trying to eat my dinner!”
“He says you’ve got to choose if you’re a sheep or a goat, and the choice will determine your fate in the afterlife for all eternity.”
“Well which one are you?”
“I haven’t chosen yet. He’s doing it in alphabetical order. Apparently I’ve got another three months to choose.”
“Well, what happens if I choose sheep?”
“Hang on, I’ll ask him… he says you go on his right.”
“And what if I choose goat?”
“You go on his left.”
“There’s not really much of a difference, then, is there?”
“Doesn’t sound like it.”
“So why does he think it’s so urgent I make a choice?”
“(…really?…an inheritance, eh?…) apparently the ones on his right get to inherit a kingdom that’s been prepared for them since the beginning of the world.”
“What, one each?”
“Apparently.”
“That sounds quite good. What do the ones on the left get?”
“(eh?… that’s a bit harsh, isn’t it?… well, if you say so…) Apparently they get to burn in eternal fire forever.”
“Forever?”
“Yep. Burning in a fire for all eternity.”
“So I get to choose either inheriting an entire kingdom, or burning forever?”
“That’s right”
“That’s just daft!”
“How come?”
“Well, think about it. Who’s going to choose the fire one? Why not just give me the kingdom.”
“He says it’s down to free will. You have to freely choose it.”
“All right, I freely choose to be a sheep. Now what’s the catch?”
“Catch?”
“There’s got to be some sort of catch. This is one of those trick questions where you get told that the kingdom is the kingdom of twice as much fire, isn’t it?”
“No, apparently not. Apparently your one is Belgium.”
“Belgium?”
“Yeah, apparently you get that because you gave me the rest of your chips last week, when I was hungry. If you’d visited someone in prison, too, you’d have got the Netherlands.”
“But I don’t know anyone in prison!”
“What about Terry?”
“Terry’s a prick. Anyway, he got out a month ago.”
“But you could have visited him then.”
“He was in for nicking my car”
“Still, just think what you could have won.”
“Yeah, well, it’s too late now, isn’t it? I suppose it’ll have to be Belgium.”
“Could be worse, could be the fire.”
“Dunno, fire would be useful right now.”
“How come?”
“My dinner’s gone cold…”

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8 Responses to Jesus Is Here

  1. caszbrewster says:

    Well done.

  2. jacki214 says:

    Awesome! I laughed my head off! I wouldn’t change a thing, except maybe have these thousand word conversations on different topics every now and then. I’d sign up for that. Thanks! (still smiling)

    • Andrew Hickey says:

      Thank you so much!
      I actually try to avoid writing stuff like this, because I find dialogue and character voice very, very, easy, but I’m lousy at exposition and description of surroundings, so I’m trying to work on those more. That said, given the “flash fiction” nature of this, if I do more of Chuck’s flash fiction challenges, I’ll probably end up doing a lot more of these.
      (I haven’t yet read other people’s entries — I’ve been unwell and working the day job — but I’m looking forward to seeing what everyone else did…)

      • jacki214 says:

        Well, mine is TOO much exposition.. No dialogue and not as interesting or soulful as I wanted. In addition it is a m/m romance – bound to put many people off. But I thought this was a great exercise. The cocktail names were so much fun. I have read about 8 or 10 of these so far and can recommend: Walk Me Down (good story-telling)
        Whiskey Kiss (good story)
        Irish Shockwave (really, really, really good!) – when I emailed this list to a friend, yours was on it. :-) Do write more dialogues like this; I sincerely want to read them. Can’t remember if I was able to follow your blog or not…but I want to.

  3. I enjoyed yours so I went and got “Iced Coffee Fillup” Hm. Well the result is here:
    http://simonbjones.blogspot.co.uk/2015/03/iced-coffee-fillup.html

    • Andrew Hickey says:

      Oh, I *like* that. You should link that in Wendig’s blog comments, too — you’d get a traffic boost for it, and it deserves a wider audience.
      (Incidentally, I’m still trying to pull together my ideas for the thing you asked me to write — I’ll have it for you soon).

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