Since I still have no home net access, I’ve decided to use my lunch break to post this tribute to two very different writers, since I can’t submit it to any more markets for a while.
GUYS AND DHOLES
by Andrew Hickey
With apologies to HPL and DR…
I am sat in Mindy’s one morning, about three bells, partaking of some cold borscht, which is a thing I do on occasion because the doctor has told me that beets are good for my blood pressure, and because the borscht at Mindy’s is more than somewhat tasty, when in walks Charlie Fishface.
Charlie Fishface is called Charlie Fishface because he has a face like a fish, which is all the more surprising because his mother is a great looker in her day, and for several days afterwards, come to that. It is generally assumed around Broadway that Charlie Fishface must take after his father, but this assumption cannot be proved as nobody knows who his father is.
Now, at this time I am not looking to have any dealings with Charlie Fishface, because my doctor has also told me that dealings with such guys as Charlie Fishface is liable to be so bad for my blood pressure that I will have to eat many beets indeed before it gets better. In fact, it is a known fact around Broadway that many guys who spend much time around Charlie Fishface croak all of the sudden, and so nobody’s doctor is recommending they spend much time around Charlie Fishface at that, for doctors do not like it when their patients croak all of the sudden, seeing it as an encroachment of their territory.
Now, at such an hour as three bells, many citizens are normally sitting around in Mindy’s, talking of one thing and another, and making the acquaintance of the many dolls who are normally present. But it so happens that of late Johnny Brannigan, the detective, has been making it his business to go to Mindy’s around this time of the morning, and many of the population do not enjoy the company of coppers, who are known to one and all as nothing but trouble, and so many citizens make it their business to be elsewhere at this time of the day.
However, this day, I hear that Johnny Brannigan is down with the old ’flu, and so he will not be in Mindy’s today or maybe ever in the future, which would be no bad thing at that. But it seems this news has not reached the citizenry of Broadway, and so when Charlie Fishface walks in and looks for somewhere to sit, he decides to come and sit with me, for I am known to one and all as a guy who will listen while you bare your soul, if I cannot get away fast enough, and Charlie is a man who looks like he has a problem.
“What is the problem, Charlie? ” I ask, though I do not, in truth want to know, because knowing other people’s problems is never a good idea, as they are liable to want you to fix them, and this usually involves you lending them fifty bobs, and I do not have any fifty bobs going spare, and if I did have any fifty bobs going spare I would not be lending them to Charlie Fishface.
“It’s my doll, New England Nancy,” replies Charlie, whose face is even more fishlike than normal, which is more than somewhat. “She leaves me today, and I will never see her again.”
Well, naturally, I am not surprised by this news, because nine times out of ten when a citizen has a problem it is because of a doll, and the tenth time it is because of scratch, and Charlie Fishface is never short of the do-re-mi. Personally, I am never going to shed any tears over dolls, as I consider them a commodity where supply exceeds demand, but I do not say this to Charlie Fishface, as he is such a guy as will be more than somewhat upset at this statement.
Instead I say “It is indeed a tragedy, the age in which we live, in which dolls leave guys in such a way.” Personally, if I am a doll such as New England Nancy, who has a very nice shape, I will leave Charlie Fishface too, for while Charlie Fishface does have plenty of scratch, there are many guys with scratch out there who do not have faces like fishes.
“She goes back home to Innsmouth, MA,” continues Charlie, “where she is to get married to some guy named Cool Luke. She is saving herself for him all her life, she says.”
Personally, I am surprised at this information, because there are very few dolls in this town who save themselves very long before they get spent, and if such a doll goes on to become some citizen’s ever-loving wife, all the worse for that citizen. I do not say this to Charlie, though, because my doctor tells me lead in my stomach will not help my blood pressure.
“In fact,” says Charlie, “you and I are going to Innsmouth this night, to stop this marriage, and to make Nancy my ever-loving wife.”
Now, I hear tell of this Innsmouth as a place in which the coppers take more than somewhat of an interest, as there are often found many items of a very illegal nature there, such as whisky, rum and wine, as it is a port town where many boats are arriving from Europe and France and other such places.
As I am a law-abiding citizen I have no interest in such illegal activities, except for occasionally when I am thirsty, and I am worried that should I go to this Innsmouth with Charlie Fishface, then some of the coppers might see me in such company in such a place and come to the wrong conclusions, and there is no profit in having coppers coming to wrong conclusions about you, especially if the wrong conclusions happen to be correct.
However, there is also no profit in being unfriendly towards Charlie Fishface, because Charlie Fishface is a man who values friendliness very highly, and so I do not disagree with Charlie when he says I am coming to Innsmouth with him. However, I must look somewhat upset at the prospect, as he says to me:
“Do not worry about Innsmouth. I know the coppers are there last year and arrest many guys, but the heat has died down now, and I hear that part of MA. is lovely this time of year. Why, my own mother is from there, and so might my father be for all I know, and she tells me many stories of the beautiful harbor and the swimming that is to be had there. Why, it is probably the finest place in the world, and it will no doubt do wonders for your health to have a holiday in such a place! ”
We go down to Innsmouth by way of bus, for there is no railroad there, and on the way Charlie Fishface explains to me why I am coming with him.
You see, Charlie Fishface is such a guy as never goes out during the daytime. This is not remarked upon, because there are many guys who do not like to have their faces seen about the town during the daytime, and if I have a face like Charlie Fishface I will keep out of the sunlight, too, so I do not cause babies to cry and dogs to attack me.
In fact, when Charlie Fishface is forced to go out during the daytime, he always wears a big hat, and sunglasses, and a muffler wrapped round his face, even when it is by no means chilly outside. The citizens of Broadway consider this remarkably courteous of Charlie Fishface, and an example which could be followed by many to the general benefit.
But it turns out that the reason Charlie Fishface keeps his face away from the sunlight at all times is that he has a rare skin disease which makes the sun burn his skin and causes him more than a little pain. So he needs me there to go out and about this Innsmouth to speak to the citizens and find the location of the church in which Charlie’s doll is having her wedding, so we can go there and stop the doll from making a mistake, though it seems to me she does not make that much of a mistake at that.
So presently we arrive at the Gilman House, which is the hotel in Innsmouth, and which is very nice if your tastes run to dust and you do not mind there being no running water, and Charlie Fishface takes himself to bed, while I go to look around the town.
Now, I am such a man as is used to the comforts of city life, and so I am not very impressed with this Innsmouth, and I very soon become convinced that I will not give a pound note for all the scenic beauty of Innsmouth, even if you throw in all the fishes in the town, too.
But this is okay, because it seems that Innsmouth will not give a bob for me, at that. In fact I walk around all day trying to engage the citizens in conversation, but they all turn away with sour expressions on their pusses, apart from one elderly character with a bushy white mouser, who shouts “Ia! Ia! Cthulhu ftagn! ” and other words like that and makes a remarkable noise indeed.
Eventually, though, I find one guy who is willing to give me the time of day. He is a bum, and is such a character as will talk for whisky, and he tells me of the town, and of its history, and of the great old ones, who do not sound so great to me, and of many other things which are not as interesting as he thinks, and most of which sound like the old phonus balonus.
Once he stops telling me all his facts about the history of Innsmouth, I ask him about New England Nancy and her impending nuptials. His face immediately gets an unpleasant expression, and it is not so pleasant to look at even when he is cheerful.
“Damn ye,” he says, “ye durst not interfere en matters that are greater then ye c’n imagine, for strange eons’r comin’ to an end, an’ the great marriage heralds the dawn o’ a new and deadly epoch fer mankind.”
Now, it is true that I do not like to interfere, but Charlie Fishface is known as a great interferer, and I point this out to the old man. I also point out that I am holding the whisky bottle, and he tells me that the wedding will take place that night, in the Order Of Dagon Hall, on Federal Street, across the Manuxet River from the hotel where we are staying.
So I go back to the hotel, and I eat a bowl of vegetable soup and crackers, because I have eaten nothing since the borscht and it is now late in the evening, and then I go and wake up Charlie Fishface, who is sleeping soundly and making the kinds of snores that only a man with as strange a schnozzle as he has can make.
We wait until it is pitch black outside, for we have been told that the wedding will be at midnight, which I think is a strange time for a wedding, at that, but which Charlie says is probably just a rural tradition. Personally, I do not care for this tradition, as it seems to leave little time for a wedding night, but then I am not planning on getting married, and if I do get married it will not be in Innsmouth.
We walk through the town square, and towards the bridge over the Manuxet River, and it is so dark that my eyes seem to play tricks on me, for I am sure I see something rising up out of the water, but Charlie tells me I am drunk on bootleg hootch, and this may indeed be the case.
We cross the river, and continue down Federal Street, and I hear much singing coming from the wedding party. It is not the singing that you normally hear in a wedding, for it is not even slightly in English, and I wonder if perhaps Nancy is slightly Jewish and that is why she does not marry in the churches we pass.
When we get to this Order Of Dagon Hall, we hear chanting coming from inside, such words as the elderly citizen with the mouser shouts earlier – “Ia! Ia! Cthulhu ftagn! Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn! ” and such shouting as that. This seems most strange to me, as this is not a normal sound for a wedding, even one in a town with as much bootleg whisky as Innsmouth has.
The door to this hall is locked, but there are windows up high, and I give Charlie Fishface a boost up so he can see into the hall. I am just beginning to wish I was lifting something lighter, like an elephant or the Rocky Mountains, when he calls out “My God! We have to stop them! ”
He jumps down, which I am extremely glad about, and then shoulder-barges the door. When the door still doesn’t open, he pulls out the old equalizer and lets off three shots into the lock, which seems to work, though I think it is bad manners to pull out the old equalizer at a wedding.
When we get inside, though, I see why he does this, for a pretty young doll is on the altar, wearing not very many clothes, and showing her figure to all and sundry, and a very nice figure it is, too, if you go for figures.
And standing over her is the old bloke with the mouser, and he has a knife in his hand, and he is saying many words I cannot understand, and then he brings this knife down.
“Stop! ” yells Charlie Fishface, and then the strangest thing I ever see happens. The old guy drops the knife, and all the citizens in the hall run up to Charlie Fishface and fall to their knees. They start yelling all kinds of things about “the son” and “the chosen one”, and they ask Charlie Fishface what they should do.
“Well,” says Charlie Fishface, “you came here for a wedding. How about we have one? Pastor, how about you marry me to Nancy here? ”
And they do this, and within the hour there is a normal wedding, with a bride who is wearing clothes, or at least as many clothes as most brides wear nowadays, which is not so many clothes as that, and I never do figure out how Charlie manages to persuade them to do this, until Charlie’s ever-loving wife tells me on the bus ride home that they have mistaken him for the son of this Cool Luke, who they think sends him to the wedding in his place.
And this is all very nice, and everyone lives happily ever after, not least New England Nancy, who thinks after all that being married to Charlie Fishface is better than being sacrificed to an octopus dragon creature, though I am not sure I agree with her.
But I do have strange dreams, in which I see the shape rising out of the water, but much more clearly than I see it at the time, and I see it sink back when the sacrifice is halted, back in to the depths it comes from.
And I think, actually, that Charlie Fishface does take after his father, at that.
This is extraordinarily silly. I like it a lot.