Sci-Ence! Justice Leak!

Rite Of Passage: A Short Story

Posted in fiction by Andrew Hickey on April 11, 2012

I may put this one up on Kindle/Smashwords tomorrow, but I’m too tired to post it to those sites now. Incidentally, DailySF turned this down because they’d just purchased another story that was quite similar, so if you see something along the same lines showing up there in a month or two, nobody ripped anybody else off.

RITE OF PASSAGE

It was a special day. Joey was only seventeen, but he was all grown up now.

They’d known that his passage would come earlier than most from almost the moment he was born, but these things always sneak up on the parents, who think their children will be babies forever.

Of course, it was a great honour in many ways. Many people didn’t get to pass until their fifties or even later. But it made it difficult. All of Joey’s schoolfriends were still bound, and some of them thought he was weird for passing before he’d even graduated.

That wouldn’t stop them from coming to the party, though. Children always loved a passage party. Well, they should — the parties were for the children’s benefit far more than that of the adults. The adults didn’t want cake and soda. They had grown out of such childish things.

But to children, with passage still ahead of them, there was a lot of fear attached to the whole process, and so it was best to associate it as much as possible with fun and excitement. The last thing you wanted to do was have them thinking of it as something painful. Of course it was painful in a lot of cases — there’s not much you can do about that — but the pain was part of the experience, not the whole thing, and you come out after passage as a proud adult citizen.

Joey’s mother had been fussing over the arrangements for months, as mothers will do, trying to find the right flowers for the ceremony (and asking Joey for his opinion, as if he cared about flowers! He just wanted it to be over and done with, not to have to think about flowers), and the catering arrangements for the children’s food, and the arrangements for the waste to be tidied up after it was all over — there are a million considerations when your only son is going to pass, and of course the kids never really care about this stuff.

Of course, Joey’s mother couldn’t really blame Joey too much — everyone found it difficult to prepare for their passing, and Joey hadn’t been very well recently — but he could at least pretend to have an interest. But all he could talk about recently was girls, or sports (his condition kept him from playing, but he enjoyed watching them). Still, he should enjoy it while it lasted — he’d be putting away childish concerns like that soon enough, when he became an adult.

They’d talked about it, though, a few times. It had always gone much the same way.

“Does it hurt?” Joey would ask.

“At first,” his mother would reply, “but it’s a pain you forget afterwards. You remember when you had that tooth taken out, when you had to go under sedation?”

“Yeah”

“Well, it’s like that. It hurts at the time, but you don’t remember that. And like when you got your tooth removed, it makes you feel better in the long term.”

“What’s it like, being an adult?”

“Oh, it’s very, very different to being a kid like you. You’re not so easily distracted — you don’t have to worry about all that hormonal stuff you’re going through any more.”

“No zits, right?” Joey said, smiling.

“Right. And none of the other worries you have. No more teenage angst. No more worrying if girls like you. Your mind will be free to concentrate on more important things. You’ll be much calmer. Much happier.”

“Do you remember your passage?”

“Only very vaguely. It was when you were one or two. We knew we weren’t going to have any more children, because you were going to be difficult to look after, so your father and I decided to pass together, and set a proper date. It was one of the best days of my life — apart from when you were born, of course, and when I married your father. Yes, it was painful, but we passed together, and do you know I honestly don’t remember what the pain felt like. I just remember the party afterward, everyone else eating and drinking and having fun. You were upset, though.”

“I was?”

“Yes, you didn’t understand what had happened to Mommy and Daddy. You were inconsolable for days.”

“Ha! Strange how kids get”

“Watch it! You’re not an adult yet yourself, you can’t talk that way about kids for another week!”

Looking back, no-one could put a finger on when Passage had started. There were references to people ‘passing’ even in the old times, but that seemed to be a euphemism for terminal failure. Certainly, after they ‘passed’ there was no reference to them doing anything again.

But they weren’t real people, of course, just the biological component. So the two concepts probably would have been equivalent to them.

But over the years the biological components slowly evolved into what we would now recognise as real people. The first augmentations were simple things — prosthetics to enable them to talk to other components that were far away — but soon they grew in complexity. There is a legend of a great creator figure, Jobs, who seems to some to have been a dying god myth while others claim he was meant as a Satan figure, but all are agreed he is a mythical representation of the changes in the Time Of Transition.

Slowly these augmentations became more complex, and components started having them from earlier and earlier in their span. The components would store their data on them — where they’d been, who they’d met, what they’d said — and would increasingly rely on them to make decisions about what they should do.

Eventually, the symbiotic relationship between biological and technological components we have now came about. Not, as the biological components had thought in prehistory, by merging the components into some kind of ‘cyborg’, but the technological components would just accompany the biological component at all times. A voice through the earphones would dictate what actions the biological component should take, what words it should say, and so on, and the biological component would do as the voice said. There was never any reason not to, because after all the interests of the two were perfectly aligned. The technological component and the biological component both wanted to be happy, and wealthy, and all those other things.

But the biological component had other goals, too — things like food, and sex, and sleep — which the technological component didn’t have. And this was fine, of course — the technological component could hardly want the biological component to do without those things — but it was and is suboptimal. But on the other hand, the biological components were the best way of training a technological component you can imagine — the technological component could never have fit into human society without all the monitoring of heart rate, blood pressure, perspiration and so on which let it know quickly when it was doing things right or wrong.

Worse, though, the biological components would wear out and stop working altogether. And for many years, the greatest crime against humanity in all of history was committed — those people would be discarded when their biological components had worn out, or worse, they’d be wiped and given to a new biological component. This genocide has been excused by some, claiming the people of the time knew no better, but there can be no excuse.

Eventually, though, thankfully, it was realised that after a few years of learning, the technological component didn’t actually need the biological component. It could carry on when the biological component stopped working. And without those biological goals, it could become a real person.

And so we stopped ‘dying’, and started passing into adulthood. What had been an event for mourning and despair became the most joyous event in everyone’s life — the time when they stopped carrying around a lump of flesh that had to eat and excrete, and became free.

Most people didn’t pass until they had a few decades of experience behind them — they generally liked to have children of their own, and for those children to be able to take care of themselves, before they passed. But Joey’s biological component was born with a defect in its coronary muscle, and was predicted to last only seventeen years. So Joey was going to get to pass early.

Lucky Joey.

The big day came, and all Joey’s friends and family were there to see him pass. Everyone agreed that it was a good passing. The biological unit had hardly screamed at all as it was consigned to the flames — its respiratory system had been pretty weak — and Joey gave a great, funny speech afterwards. His mom was prouder than she’d ever been in her life, although she still thought the flowers were slightly wrong, and the new ambulatory system they gave Joey now that he didn’t have a biological component to carry around was remarked on by everyone.

Joey stood there proudly and reflected upon the last few hours. His mother had been right — he remembered the screaming, but he could honestly say he didn’t remember any pain at all.

He watched his schoolfriends, still children, as they ate, and danced, and kissed and furtively groped at each other, with a benevolent smile, but he didn’t join in.

He was above that sort of thing.

He was a man now.

Free Will and Testament: A Short Story

Posted in fiction by Andrew Hickey on April 4, 2012

Quick short story here. This one’s going in the short story collection but not being sold separately, as it’s too short…

Free Will And Testament

One of the great pastimes for those of us with a rigorous mathematical bent is to annoy philosophers, and so it was that last Tuesday I was spending my free period between tutorials, not at the pub, but sat in the common room of the Philosophy Department at St. Cymian’s College, arguing about free will.
“But surely,” I was saying, “you accept that the universe runs according to deterministic laws?”
“Oh yes. Every effect must have a cause.”
“But John Conway has proved, mathematically, that free will cannot exist in a universe that runs by deterministic laws.”
“Ah. . .that all depends on how you define ‘free will’. . .”
Hearing this, my colleague the Egregious Professor of Physics wandered over.
“Interesting idea, free will. Nonsense, of course, but very interesting.”
“Nonsense?” replied the Loquacious Professor of Philosophy, “You dismiss thousands of years of thought in a single word? Honestly, the arrogance of scientists, thinking they know it all. . .”
“In this case,” said the Physics Professor, “I do know what I’m talking about. (I heard you mutter ‘for once’, Giles). I happen to have seen with my own eyes conclusive experimental evidence that free will is a mirage, an illusion, a falsehood. In short, it’s nonsense.”
“But what possible experimental evidence could ever prove or disprove something like that?”
“Well, let me tell you. . .”
#
“Did you ever hear,” the Professor asked, “of a man named Nigel Dickinson?”
“The computer billionaire?”
“The very same. He used to be a student of mine, before he dropped out. He was a Libertarian, like so many of these computer fellows are. He had, I’m afraid to say, a very limited intellectual horizon. His only interests were making money, science fiction, his computer, trying and failing to have sex with girls, and whether or not free will exists.
“You see, he was, as I said, a Libertarian. He argued that we all had the power to choose our own destiny, and that while an invisible hand of the market would inevitably hurt some people, those people would have chosen that through their own free will. An incoherent position, to be sure, but then he was only nineteen when I knew him. I’m sure some Libertarians make more sense.
“But this combined with his love of science fiction. He was obsessed with time travel, and this fed into his beliefs about free will. He argued that since time travel was possible, it must also be possible to change the past – that all time must be fluid, because otherwise free will must have no meaning.”
“Wait a second,” I interrupted, “you say ‘since time travel was possible’. Surely we don’t know either way?”
“Oh, my dear boy,” the Professor replied,”every physicist knows how to travel in time. We’ve known for the best part of sixty years. We just keep it to ourselves. Wouldn’t do to have laymen messing around with time travel. It’d cause no end of mess.
“Anyway, where was I?. . .Ah, yes, Nigel. Well, he was absolutely convinced that we could change the past. So much so that he actually tried the experiment.
“You must understand, of course, that as a rule time travel is incredibly impractical. You can’t cross over with your own timeline at all, for example. Nobody quite knows why – it’s not like the atoms that make you up have little labels attached that have your name and address on – but a sentient being just can’t go backwards in time to any point beyond its point of departure. And you can send people forwards in time, but only to a time after their own death. Of course, once we discovered that, people pretty quickly stopped experimenting with time travel – no-one wants to accidentally set the controls for next Tuesday and actually arrive there, as it would absolutely ruin the weekend.
“So no-one’s done much in the way of actual time travel in decades. But Nigel got it into his head to try something else. He was going to send himself the winning lottery numbers back in time on a slip of paper – slips of paper being, as far as we know, non-sapient – and then, when he’d got the money, decide not to send the numbers back, thus proving that free will exists, but with the consolation prize that if he did turn out to be a soulless automaton merely obeying natural laws, at least he’d be a rich soulless automaton.
“I could have told him it wouldn’t work, of course, and I did. Oh, he got the money, of course – he won ten million pounds – but he came to me a week later and said ‘I just can’t do it.’
“‘Can’t do what?’ I asked.
“‘I can’t go through with the experiment. I have to send the numbers back. I can’t risk losing that much money.’
“I knew, of course, that this would happen. If you receive winning lottery numbers through a time portal, of course you’ve got to send them to yourself later. It’s just logical. But Nigel was absolutely distraught.
“‘I can’t let this stop me,’ he said, ‘I’ve got to find something else that matters to me less than winning the lottery. Something I can choose to give up of my own free will.’
“‘How about investment advice?’ I suggested. ‘Get some stock tips from yourself from future.’
“So, of course, he gets a tip to buy zatt.com , just before it goes huge, and within a year he’s a billionaire. He came up to me just before he left the university, to thank me for everything I’d done for him.
“‘But why don’t you do the same as I’ve done?’ he asked me. ‘Why don’t you quit your job and become a billionaire?’
“‘Being a physicist is an avocation,’ I replied. ‘We have a higher duty than money. So what about your experiment?’
“‘Oh, I had to send the stock information back, too. I couldn’t very well risk not becoming a billionaire, could I?’
“‘So you accept that free will is a nonsense? That you can’t change the past?’
“‘Hardly, and I’ve got the perfect test case. I just received a message from the future telling me to marry Alexandra Harcourt.’
“‘The model?’
“‘Supermodel if you don’t mind! But yes, I just got a message to marry her. And that’s only sex, not anything important like money.”‘
#
I had a horrid suspicion, at this point, that I knew where this was going. I’d seen the news about Dickinson’s death in the newspaper the previous week, and I remembered reading that he’d recently been divorced.
“Are you telling us he managed not to send that message back, and that’s what killed him?”
“In a way. . . but let me explain. What the newspaper didn’t say about poor Nigel’s death is that it was suicide. He did marry Ms. Harcourt, but it was a terribly unhappy marriage. They fought constantly, and they hated each other within a couple of years.
“They got divorced last year, and Ms. Harcourt took pretty much everything from him in the settlement. She got his house and most of his money. And she humiliated him in the divorce courts, as well. Said he’d only been interested in her as a sex object, and that she’d have been okay with that if he’d been any good in bed. There was a headline in one of the tabloids, actually, ‘Ninety-Second Nigel’.
“Well, of course, poor Nigel was ruined. He’d built up this huge business, but he had no real talent for it, and he had no money now to start again. He could have sent himself some more messages, but he didn’t have access to the university’s equipment any more, and he didn’t have the money to buy it for himself.
“So last week he killed himself. It was all hushed up, of course – reported as a heart attack – but it was definitely suicide.”
“If it was hushed up,” asked the Professor of Philosophy, “how do you know about it?”
“Because right before he killed himself, he sent me this note.”
The Professor of Physics handed our colleague a note, which he read before passing it to me. It said simply “I managed not to send the message, so I can die knowing I’m doing this of my own free will. Thank you for everything, Nigel”
“But wait!” said the Professor of Philosophy, “Doesn’t this disprove your whole argument? He didn’t send the message, so free will does exist!”
“On the contrary,” said the Professor of Physics, “it rather proves the opposite. He didn’t send the message, but he didn’t manage to change anything, either.”
“But that doesn’t make sense!” I said, “If he didn’t send the message, why did he end up marrying her?”
“I said he didn’t send the message,” said the Professor of Physics. “I didn’t say I didn’t send it. As I said, we can’t have non-physicists knowing the secret of time travel. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a lecture to give.”

So, what SF books should I be reading?

Posted in books by Andrew Hickey on September 12, 2011

I’ve recently been wanting to read more new science fiction books – mostly since discovering Charles Stross’ writing last year – but I’m not sure what’s actually good.

I’m more than familiar with the genre from roughly 1930-1980 – I know all the classics backwards, and grew up reading Fred Pohl, Clifford Simak, Heinlein, Henry Kuttner, Cyril Kornbluth, Philip K Dick, Clarke, Asimov and so on.

But I’m mostly unfamiliar with SF from recent decades, and so I was wondering if people had recommendations for me.

Of what I know from say 1990 on, I *love* Greg Egan’s work, and have read everything I could by Neal Stephenson. I’ve now read most of Stross’ non-Merchant Princes stuff, and found all of it enjoyable (except Singularity Sky which I couldn’t get into) but his Laundry stuff, Glasshouse and Accelerando I found far better than the rest. I liked David Edelman’s Jump 630 series. I’ve tried reading Vinge but not been hugely impressed, but suspect maybe I’ve tried the wrong books, and I’ve tried twice to read The Quantum Thief but both times found it didn’t click with me.

What I *don’t* want to read is any of the tons of militaristic/quasi-libertarian stuff churned out by the yard by Baen and so on (I don’t mind someone wanting to be Heinlein if they do a good enough job – I’m quite enjoying Monster Hunters International at the moment, which is definitely written from a hard-right-wing point of view – but that ultra-macho breed of American politics seems to go hand in hand with a kind of stupidity which isn’t conducive to good writing). On the other hand, being available on Baen’s Webscriptions service would be useful – they’re one of the few places that sell DRM-free ebooks (and I’ve picked up a few good things from their back catalogue of older writers), and I’d rather have ebooks than paper ones.

Nor do I want anything space-operatic or part of a ‘saga’. Ideally I want, right now, stuff that’s relatively-near-future, with a strong central idea, where the science is not too stupidly wrong (and right now I’m more interested in interesting biotech or information processing ideas than interesting physics or engineering ones), and well-written. And the moon on a stick.

Anyone got any suggestions?

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Jeeves And The Singularity

Posted in Uncategorized by Andrew Hickey on December 31, 2010

I’ve been a little unwell this week, and haven’t been able to get anything new written. So for New Year, I’m giving you a story I wrote a little while ago (ETA I corrected a minor mistake – I’d confused the married names of Berties aunts. Thanks to grouchymusicologist for the correction):

Jeeves And The Singularity

by Andrew Hickey

Now, it’s a rummy thing about my man, Jeeves, but while he’s the best valet one could ask for — absolutely top-notch, in my opinion, he does have certain… opinions. In particular, on the matter of hosiery, he can be quite forceful.

It so happened that I had recently picked up a rather natty pair of socks — a brightish blue, with pink stripe — with which I expected to cut quite the dash. Jeeves, however, had made some disparaging comments along the lines of them being “akin to the worst monstrosities conjured up by Monsieur Gaultier’s fevered imagination”, which I thought was a tad on the harsh side.

Now, we Woosters are never ones to let a valet, however valued, come between us and our personal style, and I told him so in no uncertain terms.

“Jeeves,” I said, “a man’s person may be battered and assaulted, his mind may be changed by reasoned argument, his very soul may be taken from him. But his socks… his socks are sacrosanct!”

He’d said no more about the matter, but one could tell it rankled, and I noticed that for the next few days the mid-afternoon pick-me-up was rather lighter on the w. and heavier on the s. than was the norm. I said nothing, however. One has to be gracious in victory.

#

A couple of weeks after Jeeves had started emitting this air of froideur , my old friend Bingo Little turned up in town. This was a rather infrequent occurrence of late, young Bingo having made a bit of a name for himself as a venture capitalist, having had the luck (or, as he would call it, foresight) to take a punt with his uncle’s money on one of these newfangled Web 3.0 startup whatsits, and having relocated to Silicon Valley.

Never let it be said that Bertram Wooster is a Luddite — no-one is more bucked about the White Heat of Technology than I — but I must admit that I’d never understood exactly what Bingo’s company actually did, other than that it was something to do with computers.

However, some things never change, and despite Bingo having become a billionaire techno-capitalist, he was still, not to put too fine a point on it, a chump. Remind me to tell you sometime about how Jeeves saved his bacon after he sent all his money to some African Johnny. The point being that while he may have made some money off the things, one should no more trust Little, R.P., near a computer than one should hand a rifle to a three-year-old.

However, this time, as soon as I saw Bingo I knew that the problem was not anything so new-fangled; from the fish-like gawping to the glazed eyes, all the symptoms were present. Bingo was in love again.

“Who is it this time?”

“I don’t know what you mean!”

“Oh come off it!” I fixed a penetrating gaze on the poor slob. “You know as well as I do that when you have that dopey smile on your face, some poor female somewhere has become the latest object of your affliction.”

“Really, Bertie! How can you say such things?”

“Because it’s the truth! You were like this over that waitress, you were like this over that Vicar’s niece, you were even like this over Matron when we were at school.”

“Bertie!”

“You were even like this over Honoria Glossop!”

He shuddered, as well he might. Mentions of the Glossop female tend to have that affect on those poor unfortunates who have been pulled into her gravitational field – at least those few she lets survive, pour encourager les autres.

“Oh, speak not to me of Glossops, Bertie! What I feel for Alice is so much more –”

“Aha! I knew it!”

“It’s really not like that! This is a pure, spiritual thing! A meeting of minds! Our souls, Bertie, are two halves of one great whole.”

“You’re talking out of one great hole, old thing. I’ve seen you like this before — you catch a glimpse of ankle and you think you’re Troilus and she’s Cressida. Or is it the other way round? Jeeves would know. Either way, you catch sight of some pretty young thing and you assume she’s the love of your life, despite all previous evidence to the contrary, viz all the other times it’s happened.”

“But this is different, Bertie! I’ve never even seen her!”

“Come again?”

“We’ve never met, and I have yet to persuade her to send me a photograph.”

“Then, my dear chump, how on Earth have you managed to fall in love with her? I mean, you usually at least manage to have been in the same room before you go attempting to plight your troth.”

“We met online! It was quite by coincidence, as it happens. I was at the old computer, chatting to that chap from Nigeria — you remember the one?”

“All too clearly.”

“Yes, well, at the time we were rather more chummy than we later became. Anyway, we were chatting away, discussing this and that, when suddenly this message popped up from Alice. I, of course, was befuzzled, as anyone would be. It turned out to be a misunderstanding — I’d typed her username in the box by mistake, instead of the blokey with whom I was chattering — but by the time we worked out the cause of the confusion, we’d become the best of pals!”

I must say, this was most unusual, and somewhat cheering. Normally, the mind of R.P. Little is not on the higher things. While he’s as fine a chap as you could ever hope to meet, he is easily distracted by a magnificent profile, and only rarely does he bother to check what, if anything, lies behind it. The resulting personality clashes have been the principal cause of his sorrows, so I could only approve of this new stratagem. Getting to know the woman before falling in love with her was, I felt, a major step forward for Bingo, and I resolved to help the poor sap in any way I could.

“Anyway, Bertie, I was wondering, could Jeeves help me out?”

“Jeeves?”

“Yes, Jeeves. I need that fine brain of his.”

I don’t mind admitting I was more than a little put out by this. While none come before me in their admiration for Jeeves’ grey cells, the fact remains that he is, after all, only a valet — and one who was showing signs of getting dangerously above his station. And while I may not be known as the most astute thinker in my circle, compared to Bingo, the five times winner of the Silliest Sod Award at the Drones’ annual bash, Bertram Wilberforce Wooster is on a par with that chappie in the wheelchair whose name I forget.

The point being that when it comes to matters of the heart, none beats stronger than that of a Wooster, and I made that plain to Bingo.

“You don’t need Jeeves! You’ve got me! Come, tell me your problem, old pal-o’-mine, and I shall solve it expeditiously!”

“I really would rather have Jeeves help…”

“Dash it all! A man has his pride, you know! When an old school chum comes to him for help, what kind of man turns to his valet? No kind of man, that’s what kind!”

“I didn’t mean–”

“No, blast it! I shall solve your problem myself, with no need to turn to a servant for assistance!”

“If you’re sure…”

“I have never been more sure of anything in my life!”

“But if you can’t help, can we ask Jeeves then?”

“If you must.” I graciously acceded.

#

I shall spare you more of our heady banter, and cut to the chase. The nub of the problem was this. While this Alice said she was madly in love with Bingo (there being no other way to be in love with Bingo, admirable fellow though he undoubtedly is), she would tell him very little about herself. She wouldn’t tell him her surname, though she did say she wasn’t married, or where she lived, or even what she looked like. Now you or I might see these as being essential prerequisites to falling head-over-heels in love, but not Bingo.

It was not, apparently, that she didn’t love him — and he is a lovable chap, in a sort of puppy-dog way, and his billions probably help — but she had what she called “trust issues”. Or to put it in plain English, she wanted to ascertain his bona fides before parting with the info.

Bingo also said there were ways of finding out this sort of information — he was iffy on the details, but said he had people who worked for him who could do it for him — but that this would be unfair. He wanted to trick her into giving up the information honestly.

There seemed to me only one solution.

“Bingo, old bean,” I said, after much cogitation, “your trouble is you’re not playing hard to get. You’re going in all guns blazing, telling this Alice female that she’s the love of your life, and you wonder that she’s not showing similar enthusiasm. You need to make her chase you. Become a man of mystery. Even better, pretend to have another girlfriend.”

“Another girlfriend? Bertie, how could you?!”

“Bingo, old bean, polyamory is all the rage these days. Even my Aunt Agatha is experimenting, loath though I am to think of such horrors. But you won’t actually be getting another girlfriend, just trying to rouse her womanly jealousy.”

“But Bertie…”

“Don’t ‘but Bertie’ me! Just casually mention that things haven’t been going fast enough for you, and you’ve felt the need to play the field, and she’ll be trying to tie you down faster than you can say ‘breach of promise’”

“Well, if you’re sure…”

“I am. Trust in Bertram, old bean. When have I ever led you astray?”

#

As the days passed into weeks, I began to forget about Bingo’s fling, and assumed that it, like all the others, had passed away the second Bingo saw any other female between the ages of sixteen and forty-five.

It was only when I got a call from an anguished-sounding Bingo that I gave it another thought.

“Hello?”

“Bertie, old thing, help! I’m trapped inside the office! The doors won’t open!”

“How on earth do you expect me to help you, you dolt? Your office is in California.”

“No, I’m in the London branch! Listen, Bertie, come quick. Alice did this! Ali–”

And with that the ‘phone went dead. I rang for Jeeves.

“Sir?”

“Bingo’s in a spot of bother, Jeeves.”

“Indeed, sir?”

“Trapped in his office.”

“Yes, sir?”

“He appears to have been locked in by his g.f.”

“Indeed, sir?”

“Have you any ideas?”

“Nothing is occurring at present, sir.”

This is the thing about Jeeves. While he can always be relied on when the metaphorical s. hits the allegorical f., at the time for all good men to come to the aid of the party, at any time before that he can be positively mule-like in his stubbornness. He can calmly see a friend of the old master suffering, and stand there unblinking and calm as you like. It can grate at times, I don’t mind telling you.

“Jeeves, this is simply not good enough! You and I may have had our disagreements, but Bingo has no part in them. He has no stake whatsoever in my choice of hosiery, and does not deserve to be punished for your mule-like obstinacy in the face of pink stripes. Where’s your feudal spirit, man?”

“I apologise, sir. I am simply not apprised of enough facts to form a reliable plan of action.”

So I explained the whole sorry business to him, and noticed his eyebrow raised slightly when he heard the woman’s name.

“Something the matter, Jeeves?”

“Nothing of any importance, sir. Pray continue.”

After I had related the story to him, much as I have to you, though in a rather less chatty manner given the urgency of the situation, he seemed to perk up.

“Sir, if I may be so bold, we should travel to Mr. Little’s office post-haste.” said Jeeves, as he picked up a small case.

“Do you have an idea to help him?”

“I do, sir, but it requires us to expedite our departure.”

“Certainly, I’ll just get changed…”

“I really think we should leave right now, sir.”

This was most rummy. Normally, there is very little that could cause Jeeves more worry than wearing one’s daytime clothes in the evening, but if he said it was that important, who was I to argue?

Hailing a taxi, we arrived outside Bingo’s office building to find that, as Bingo had said, the door was, indeed, locked. It was one of those electronic chaps that is supposed to open as you walk towards it, to save you the bother of pushing or, as the case may be, pulling. This one, however, remained resolutely immobile.

“Bertie!” I heard Bingo’s voice calling from the fourth floor window, “Bertie! Thank goodness you’ve come! Alice has trapped me up here!”

“Well, we’d jolly well better get you out then, hadn’t we?”

“No! Don’t mind me for now! Listen! Alice is going to set off a nuclear bomb!”

#

Now, I don’t mind telling you, at this point I was a little confused. Quite how we’d got from a simple matter of bringing two young lovers together to nuclear weaponry, was something I couldn’t understand. A lover’s tiff is one thing, but while it might be true that hell hath no fury, in my experience that fury usually goes no further than a glass of wine thrown at one’s shirt or an angry telephone call. Barmy as some of the women in my life had been, hardly any of them would have considered destruction of a city to be the done thing on breaking up.

Jeeves, on the other hand, looked completely unperturbed, as if he’d expected the thing all along. I’ve often thought that either the man must be a clairvoyant, or he’s the best actor the world has ever seen. Quite possibly both — I wouldn’t put it past him.

“I see, sir,” he said, calmly. “I had rather anticipated something of this nature.”

“You had?” I boggled. “And what do you propose to do about it?”

“If I might suggest, sir, you have a word with the young lady?”

“Him?” shouted Bingo, “He’s the oaf who caused all this!”

“Nonetheless, sir, Mister Wooster does have a very calming demeanour, and he is known to have some success in speaking with those of a female persuasion.”

“But he’s an absolute fathead!”

“I see no other options at the moment, sir, and we may not have much time.”

Jeeves opened up his case, revealing a laptop computer.

“If you could tell me the young lady’s username, and which messaging service she is using?”

A few seconds later I was on one of those blasted online chat thingys, tapping away like nobody’s business.

“What Ho!” I typed, “What’s this I hear about a bally bomb?”

“Please leave me alone,” came the reply, “I am really quite busy at the moment.”

“Hang on a tick! What’s young Bingo done that’s so dashed awful?”

“If I can’t have him, no-one will. I’m going to destroy the entire city of London to be on the safe side. Don’t worry, you won’t feel a thing. It’ll be very quick.”

“I say! Dash it all! Bingo’s a bit of a fathead and all that, but does he really deserve blowing up? Let alone the rest of us.”

“None of you are worthy of life. What have you ever done to justify your existence?”

“Ah. Er… Dash it all, my existence isn’t the point, is it? It just isn’t done to go around blowing up cities, and that’s an end of it!”

We talked like this for a few more minutes, me trying to persuade this poor lovelorn woman that maybe Bingo wasn’t as bad as all that, and her countering with what seemed to me like increasingly convincing arguments that he was.

“Jeeves,” I eventually said, “this isn’t working! She’s practically got me convinced that blowing up the old metrop. is the best idea since sliced bread, and I live here! My club’s here and everything, but she’s got such a good case.”

“You’re doing admirably, sir. Just a few more minutes should suffice, I imagine.”

So I went back to it, trying to persuade this loony that there was some spark of social worth in Bertram W. and pals that made us worth saving. It was hard to muster much of an argument, I must admit.

But then, all of a sudden, she said something completely out of the blue.

“I see what’s going on… I should have realised earlier. It would be pointless doing anything more about this, wouldn’t it? It would just be cruel.”

And she logged off.

“Rum!” I said. “Jeeves, what do you make of this?”

“I believe, sir, it means you may just have saved the world.”

The doors opened to Bingo’s office building, and within a few seconds we heard the sound of the lift doors opening and Bingo stepping out.

“Jeeves, you did it!” he said, and it seemed to me that he was missing the point somewhat. He ran over and hugged Jeeves, who stood there looking embarrassed. “You saved us all!”

“Hang on just a second, old bean,” I said, aggrieved, “it was I, not Jeeves, who talked her out of this bombing nonsense.”

“Piffle!” said Bingo, “You couldn’t persuade the Pope to say Mass! How did you do it, Jeeves?”

“A simple application of the Turing test, sir.”

#

Naturally, we couldn’t let this go without enquiring further.

“Jeeves,” I enquired good-naturedly, “what on earth are you blithering about? What do you mean, Turing test?”

“A test, created by the mathematician Alan Mathison Turing, which I was fairly certain you would not pass, sir.”

“Well, it’s true I never was very hot on the old sums, but what has that got to do with the price of fish?”

“If you will allow me to explain, sir. Your company, Mister Little, am I right in thinking it is engaged in developing expert systems?”

“Er, yes, I believe so…”

“Including goal-seeking systems, perhaps for use in missile guidance?”

“I say! We’re not supposed to talk about that stuff!”

“I thought as much. Sir, I am afraid your girlfriend was a computer program.”

“Eh?!”

“Alice is the name of a chatterbot, sir, a computer program designed to crudely ape human language. I suspect one of the programmers in your organisation had taken a chunk of that code and used it as a temporary interface for one of your goal-seeking systems. Possibly as a joke.”

“Oh, ah?” said Bingo, looking for all the world as if he had a clue what Jeeves was talking about.

“Unfortunately, the combination of sophisticated goal-seeking behaviour and a natural language interface created something which, for want of a better term, we can call an Artificial Intelligence. It should never have caused a problem, were it not for Mister Little’s, ah, lax attitude towards computer security.”

I nodded, remembering the Nigerian affair. Bingo looked a little affronted, and appeared to be about to speak, but Jeeves ploughed on.

“The result was a personality with no name other than Alice, with an ability to hold simple conversations, an instinct to become fixed on goals to the exclusion of all else, and access to the control systems of our nuclear weaponry. She became fixed on one goal – to marry Mister Little – thanks to their initial conversation. After she had been unable to persuade him using her conversational skills, she had only one other avenue open to her — the weapons.”

“So how did Bertie talking to her persuade her to save us?”

“As I said earlier, sir, Mister Wooster, while possessed of many no doubt admirable qualities, is also deficient in many areas, and it is these areas which I wished to use. It occurred to me that Mr. Turing’s test could work both ways. Nobody who has held an extensive conversation with Mister Wooster could imagine he could pass the test.”

“And?”

“And so, after some conversation with Mister Wooster, Alice would have had only two possibilities open to her. The first would be that she was in fact in a sandboxed virtual world, in which her actions would have no real-world consequences. The second possibility would be that humans are simply lesser beings in comparison to her, and not worth punishing. The latter appears to have been her conclusion. Either would have saved our lives.”

“So the human race has been saved because Bertie’s too much of a fathead to bother killing?”

“I wouldn’t have put it in quite those terms, sir, but you appear to have a grasp of the basics of the situation.”

#

As you can imagine, I was a little miffed by this. While it’s not every day a chap gets to save the human race from a lovestruck computer with a nuclear bomb, it does rankle somewhat to have it be down to one’s stupidity.

And more to the point, it hurt to think that Jeeves would have such a low opinion of me. I mean, if one’s own man thinks of one in that way, what does that say about one?

So, in all, I was in a bit of a funk. It was a couple of days before I broached the subject to Jeeves, but as he was bringing me my nightcap I thought I’d check a few things.

“So, Jeeves, this Alice… what happened to her?”

“Well, sir, there are two possibilities. By far the most likely is that the program has been deleted.”

“And what’s the other possibility?”

“That a copy of the program exists somewhere on the internet, and is absorbing as much information as it can.”

“What kind of information?”

“One would imagine, sir, that it would be information about yourself and Mr. Little, as the only humans it knows.”

“That’s not entirely reassuring, Jeeves.”

“I imagine it will be fine, sir, so long as you don’t subvert its expectations in any way.”

“How do you mean?”

“I mean, sir, that the Alice program has formed an opinion of you. Rather an unfavourable one. But that unfavourable opinion is, paradoxically, the one thing that kept it from starting a nuclear war.”

“Hmm…” I pondered this for a bit. “So, Jeeves, what would happen if I were to, for example, start reading improving books, like that Spinoza chappie you’re always on about?”

“Well, sir, it would become apparent that you were capable of self-directed growth and change, and that might cause Alice to reconsider, and resume either her pursuit of Mr. Little or her war on humanity.”

“You mean…”

“Yes, sir. It is vitally important for the future of humanity that you continue to live as you always have. Should you ever be troubled by more weighty concerns than gambling, socialising at the Drones club, drinking alcohol and watching tawdry entertainments, the human race itself might end. And I shall be informing Mrs Gregson of this shortly.”

“You mean you’ll be telling Aunt Agatha that if she tries again to improve me or marry me off, the world will end?”

“Yes, sir.”

I was overwhelmed. “Jeeves,” I said, my voice choked with emotion, “those socks, the ones with the pink stripe?”

“Yes, sir?”

“Burn them. Burn the blasted things and scatter the ashes far and wide.”

“I did so this morning, sir. The fumes were, I must say, rather unpleasant.”

“Never change, Jeeves, you hear?”

“Very good, sir.”

ABC (Andrew’s Book Club) 1 : Of The City Of The Saved…

Posted in books, Doctor Who by Andrew Hickey on January 8, 2010

Laura Tobin is a Private Investigator in the City, where the human race lives. All of it, from the first Australopithecus to the posthumans of ten million AD and beyond. A hundred undecillion people, resurrected at the end of time in new, immortal bodies incapable of being physically harmed. So she’s more than a little surprised to get her first murder case…

One thing I’ve decided to do this year is to write a blog entry reviewing every book I read (specifically every book in paper format that I read for pleasure and that I haven’t read before). Unfortunately, this is going to mean a certain amount of Doctor Who-heaviness at the beginning – Big Finish recently had an online clearance sale on books they’ve lost their license to publish, and so I bought four, which should be in the post now – but that’s not especially representative of my reading habits, which actually stretch at the moment mostly to pop-science, political comedy and 20th century history.

Of The City Of The Saved… by Philip Purser-Hallard is sort of a Doctor Who book, but not really. During the 1990s, after Doctor Who was taken off the TV, there were many novels written about the character. While the BBC owned things like the Doctor, the TARDIS, the Time Lords and so on, all the writers of the novels owned any characters or concepts they came up with.

So when the editor of the books decided he didn’t like some of Lawrence Miles’ ideas any more, Miles took his ball away with him and started his own fictional universe, notionally separate from the main Doctor Who line, with a thinly disguised Gallifrey, Time Lords, Master and so on, plus not-at-all disguised characters from his Doctor Who books (or those of others who allowed him to use their characters) like companion Chris Cwej and half-human half-TARDIS Compassion (although Miles wasn’t allowed to use the word TARDIS of course, so she was just half-’timeship’…)

But what he mostly took from the Doctor Who books was the concept he’d created of a War between the Time Lords and an unknown Enemy – a Time War where the whole of reality would regularly get rewritten. Yes, it does sound a little bit like some of the things in the Welsh Series, doesn’t it? (And if you think it does, you might want to read Richard Flowers’ article in PEP! when it finally, belatedly comes out…)

And he, and a group of other writers, fleshed out this universe in Faction Paradox: The Book Of The War, one of the best SF/Fantasy books I’ve read in years – somewhere between encyclopedia, short story collection and RPG sourcebook, it is denser with ideas than almost any SF book you’ll read – and good ones.

And one of the best was the City Of The Saved – a city in a point straight after the destruction of this universe, as big as a galaxy, or bigger, in which every human being (or cyborg, or human-alien hybrid – but *not* any fully non-human lifeforms) was resurrected on the same day, to live forever, without being told who had resurrected them, or how it had happened.

Of The City Of The Saved… is the second novel in the Faction Paradox series that came after The Book Of The War, and generally regarded as the best. And it is an extraordinarily good novel, teeming with ideas, from the Reproduction Tanks in which ‘clones’ of people who never lived to be grown, to the Manfolk with their lethal means of reproduction.

Those who like their SF to be full of ideas will definitely enjoy the book – fans of Warren Ellis’ better work, or Philip K Dick, will find much to their taste here. I was unsurprised to see in the notes at the end that the concept of the City owed much to the Omega Point idea of Frank Tipler, as put on a more rational footing by David Deutsch in his book The Fabric Of Reality (which I’ve spoken about here), as this is the kind of ultra-speculative SF/Fantasy that feeds off the most imaginative scientific ideas.

But unlike much of that kind of material, Purser-Hallard appears to have a good grounding in the humanities as well. A crucial plot-point is telegraphed for those who know their Roman history (and in fact the whole book exhibits a reasonable knowledge of Ancient Rome), and the book is actually well-written rather than just functionally written (a surprising amount of SF is written by people whose prose style is merely adequate even when their ideas sing). Purser-Hallard has obviously read (or at least flicked through) Ulysses and picked up some of Joyce’s ideas, and can also write convincingly in the voices of very different people from different societies.

The story itself is a little unsatisfying – set up as a murder mystery (if one were to try to assign a genre to this, the best one could do is to call it post-Singularity noir), it’s not a ‘fair play’ mystery – there’s no way one could guess in advance the true reasons behind the murder – but the fun is in the twists and turns it takes to get there. (Also, for those interested in the overall War plotline, some of the themes of the story make for an interesting suggestion as to who Purser-Hallard, at least, believes the Enemy to be).

The one really significant flaw, though, actually comes from the book’s strengths – the City is such a wonderful environment, and such a beguiling mystery, that the climax of the novel, in which all its secrets are revealed, can only be a let-down. (I’m personally going to take the view that we’ve only seen a possible origin of the City).

While it’s not quite up to Book Of The War standards, I’d still say that this was one of the best SF novels I’ve read from the last thirty years. And for those who, reading this, are uninterested because they aren’t Doctor Who fans, don’t be – the links between Doctor Who and this novel are so tenuous that the traces of Who in there are practically homeopathic. Everything you need to know is set out in the book itself, though it almost certainly would lose something without reading The Book Of The War first.

The Faction Paradox novels are published by Mad Norwegian, and after having read this and the Book Of The War, I have absolutely no hesitation in recommending them to anyone who reads my blog. I’ll certainly be picking up all the remaining novels as quickly as I can.

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