Sci-Ence! Justice Leak!

Occupational Elf

Posted in fiction by Andrew Hickey on February 20, 2012

Wrote this one a day or two ago, but I’ve either already got stories in submission to all the paying fantasy markets I know of or they don’t accept stories with swearing, so I’ve put it up for 99 cents on Smashwords and it’ll be available for Kindle (US) and Kindle (UK) later today. I may write more Peculiar Branch stories if people like this one…

It’s always the way, just when you’re in the middle of a collar, that’s when your radio goes off.

Charlie and me were in hot pursuit of an elf who we’d caught selling pixie dust to the local pre-teens, when I get a buzzing from my radio.

“Bill, you there? Over”

“Can it wait, Liz? We’re a bit busy here. Over.”

“We need you to come in as soon as. Tony just made an arrest, and we think it has to do with the Densmore case. Over.”

“Copy that. I’ll be there as soon as I can. Over.”

While I was talking with Liz, Charlie had grabbed the little bastard, and was holding him off the ground by his ears.

“You are under arrest. As a non-human sapient lifeform, you have no rights except the right to choose your deportation destination. Do you wish to be deported to Fairyland, the Misty Worlds, or Faraway And Longago? ”

“Fuck off, copper.”

“Fairyland it is. Do the honours, Bill.”

I pulled out my magic truncheon, waved it a couple of times, and opened up a portal to the Queen of Fae’s dungeons, and Charlie threw the elf through.

“Did you get the name of his dealer? ” I asked.

“Course not. He said the dealer wouldn’t tell him his True Name. Just knew that he was a goblin.”

“What a surprise. Oh well. Back to the station.”

As you can probably tell from the foregoing, I’m a copper. But as you can probably also tell (I can tell you’re bright by the way your lips aren’t moving while you’re reading this), I’m not your typical plod. I don’t get called out when your telly gets nicked, then go round to whichever local scrote was most likely to have done it and tell them I know it was them and can’t arrest them, but have my eye on them. That’s not my job, and I’m very glad it isn’t.

No, I work for Peculiar Branch. Officially, we’re the Anomalous Occurences Department, but everyone calls us Peculiar Branch. We enforce the laws of nature, rather than the laws of the land.

More often than you might think, this universe is breached by ghosts, goblins, fairies, elves, wizards and so on. When they come over, they bring their magic with them. And magic is no good for anyone.
Society lives by rules, and magic is all about breaking rules. If you spin straw into gold, you do end up with real gold – but you’re still destabilising the economy just as much as if you were a forger. Offer someone three wishes and within ten minutes you’ve got someone with a sausage for a nose. Flying carpets are great until you get sucked into a jet engine and cause a crash.

In worst-case scenarios, magic actually becomes a weapon of mass destruction. We in Peculiar Branch are just thankful that al-Qaeda won’t work with genies because of their religion – a genie with a bad instruction could wipe out the whole world, or even the universe, before we had time to blink.

But thankfully, most of what we have to deal with is petty stuff – unicorns on the rampage (fortunately for us, unicorns seem to have very medieval ideas of virginity, so many of our more sapphic WPCs end up on unicorn duty), political refugees from the Goblin Wars (we feel sorry for these, but we can’t take them in. Our neutrality is too important), shops selling mysterious items (the reason they have always gone two days later is that we raid them and close them down the second we get wind of them), that sort of thing.

So we keep the world running smoothly, and according to the laws of physics. But occasionally, there’s a big problem. We’d had one that year.

A bloke called Tim Densmore, a nerdy little accountant type, had got hold of some grimoires from god knows where. Normally, this wouldn’t be a problem – while your actual magical artifacts can sometimes cause trouble, a grimoire is only of any use to anyone if it’s used by someone from the magical realms. A normal human from this universe can put on all the mystic robes they want and chant ’izzy wizzy let’s get busy’ as much as they like, but they won’t actually do any magic. We’re not made of the right stuff.

Except for Densmore. No-one has any idea how he did it, but he managed in a very short time to raise himself to the level of a Class Eight Mage. Now, admittedly, that’s not much – you can do the odd rain of frogs, or mystic whirlwind, but Class Eights are hardly Gandalf. But the highest level anyone from this universe had ever previously attained was Class Thirty-Nine (ability to inflict a sneezing fit with a curse, if the victim already had a weakened immune system). A Class Eight was a real problem.
All the laws regarding magic users had been crafted under the assumption that we’d be dealing with illegal immigrants. You just get them and chuck ’em back where they came from, and let them be someone else’s problem. They very rarely came through a second time – the Misty Worlds and Faraway And Longago operated on a different time scale to ours, so one second here was a decade there, while the Queen Of Fairyland is not keen on people who’ve tried to escape her realm, and tends to make her displeasure known in a variety of nasty ways – so chuck ’em though, job’s a good’un, onto the next one.

But Densmore was from this universe, and even from this country. He wasn’t technically breaking any laws, because no-one had planned for anything like him.

Then all of a sudden, just as he was calling down the winds and rains to destroy the town of Basingstoke for an imagined slight some twenty years earlier, his powers disappeared. We had him quietly locked up in a loony bin, and hoped that’d be the end of it.

But now the case was apparently getting re-opened, and it was muggins here who had to deal with it.
I got into the station and asked Jill, on the front desk, what the trouble was.

“Troll in cell five,says he’s got information on Densmore, won’t talk without a lawyer.”

“What for? Does he think we’re going to breach his inhuman rights? ”

“Don’t ask me, I just work here.”

I went into the cell, and was confronted with a fifteen-foot tall troll, bent nearly double even in our oversized cells, with a small bloke sat next to him who I assumed must be his brief.

“Mind telling me why I shouldn’t just open up a portal and send you back right now? ”

“For much the same reason I shouldn’t tap you on the forehead with my little finger and turn you into a small smear on the ground. We both have something the other needs.”

“Oh yes? ”

“My client,” said the lawyer, “wishes to claim asylum on this plane of existence.”

“You do know that’s out of the question, don’t you? ”

“Indeed. In normal circumstances that would be the case. But I think once you have listened to my client’s story, you will be inclined to agree that he is an exceptional case.”

“Even if I wanted to give stonearse there asylum – and I don’t – I don’t have the authority.”

“We understand that. All we ask is that if you listen to my client’s story, and if you think he has a good case, you will refrain from deporting him long enough that we can come to some arrangement with the government.”

“I can’t promise anything. But I’ll see what I can do.”

“Good enough. Mr Qualgus, do tell your story”

The troll’s story explained a lot. Qualgus had been a courtier in the court of the Queen of Fae, but had heard that he was falling out of her favour. Rather than submit to one of her notorious show trials, he’d opened a portal and come through to our world, and he’d brought information.

Fairyland was losing the Goblin Wars, and was desperate for allies. So desperate, that the Queen was even considering Earth. But she knew that we wouldn’t go into the war voluntarily. Even if we’d favoured Fairyland over the Misty Worlds or Faraway And Longago (and opinion on that was very much divided within the world’s governments – strong leaders are not always preferred, especially strong female leaders) we know what happens to the little bully who hangs around with the big bully once the big bully starts to lose, and none of the world’s leaders fancied dangling from a lamppost.

So the Queen had taken drastic measures. She’d got hold of a few grimoires from the Misty Worlds, and had them delivered to a patsy on Earth – it’s not hard to find some gormless pillock who thinks he’ll be able to do magic if he just reads a few books – in the hope that they’d act as a ’smoking gun’ so it’d look like the Misty Worlds had attacked us.

Then she sent over a Class Three Magus, Carillian The Ebon, and had him cast a spell on Densmore, granting him some limited magical powers for as long as the spell lasted. It was never Densmore doing the magic, but always Carillian.

However, Densmore had cracked under the strain, and Carillian and the Queen had decided he was too much of a liability. The Queen’s a fairly nasty piece of work, but even she gets a little queasy at handing weapons of almost unlimited destructive power to people who get so angry when their shoelace comes untied that they blow their own foot off. So they’d turned Densmore’s supply off, and gone in another direction.
Carillian was a shapeshifter, and he’d disguised himself as a goblin and started producing the immense quantities of pixie dust that had been turning up. The idea was that we’d blame the gobboes for getting our kids hooked on the stuff, and go to war to protect the children.

Qualgus had the address of the flat that Carillian was dealing out of, and he was willing to give it to us, in exchange for having his case for political amnesty looked at favourably. If the Queen didn’t like returned refugees, she really didn’t like returned traitors.

I could see his point, and agreed not to deport him for the moment.

It may surprise you to learn that protocol when dealing with a major magic user is to send in just a single copper. Either the wiz in question is going to come quietly, in which one’s all you need, or he isn’t, in which case you want to get as few people killed as possible. Fighting someone as powerful as Carillian would be as effective as trying to disarm a nuclear warhead by headbutting it, and about as advisable.

So there was no midnight raid, no breaking down the door. I just went, alone, to the scuzzy little flat that Qualgus had told us was Carillian’s HQ, in full uniform and in broad daylight, and knocked on his door.

The door opened, and a goblin wearing a rugby jersey that dangled to his knees, and nothing else, looked up at me and sniffed.

“Can I help, copper? ” the goblin asked, before wiping his dripping nose on his sleeve.

“I’ve come about the pixie dust.”

The goblin looked relieved “Yes, it was definitely me what done it all right, copper. You caught me fair and square. Just deport me to the Misty Worlds, my beloved home.”

“You can drop the act, Carillian.”

“Ah. I see.”

The room suddenly darkened, as the goblin grew three foot taller, and changed from a small goblin in a rugby jersey to a tall, imposing, berobed and bearded wizard. His voice dropped about two octaves, as it changed from a nasal wheedle to a booming baritone.

“You leave me no choice. Barakatathan…”

He was beginning the Curse Of Excruciating Protracted Death. I couldn’t let him finish, but I had less than a second to react. In the nick of time I realised what to do.

I waved my hand, and he burst into a protracted bout of sneezing that lasted long enough for me to open a portal into Fairyland around him. Never mess with a Class Thirty-Nine magic user.

Normally, we never get any response from Fairyland when we deport anyone back there, but I was told later that the government had received an official communication from the Queen herself, expressing her regret for the totally unauthorised actions of the rogue agent and traitor Carillian, whose actions the Queen had of course known nothing about.

I heard as well that it included conclusive proof that Carillian would never be able to return and cause any more damage. I didn’t ask what kind of proof, and I don’t want to know. Some things are best left unimagined.

Qualgus was given asylum on Earth, and now lives in a remote part of New Zealand, making a decent living hiring himself out to fantasy film-makers, who are of course all sworn to secrecy.

And as for me, I just went back on the beat. Someone’s been selling powdered unicorn horn as an aphrodisiac, and that stuff’s powerful. We’re getting a lot of corpses with big smiles on their faces, so I’m busy tracking down the dealers.

It’s a living, I suppose.

Boltzmann And Boltzwomann

Posted in fiction by Andrew Hickey on February 11, 2012

(A short-short story I wrote recently. Too short to make an ebook in itself, but I’ll include it in a short story collection at some poin).

t was a fine romance. The finest in fact. Even though they never met each other.

Jerry Taylor knew he loved Linda Soames from the moment he first saw her. They were obviously meant for each other. She took a little longer to fall in love with him, but it was only a matter of weeks before the two were agreed that they’d never met anyone like the other, and that no-one else would ever do for them.

They were married within a year, and spent the rest of their lives together, happily. They had three lovely children, who went on to have jobs that brought them slightly more financial success than their parents had, but not enough that they lost sight of where they came from. They celebrated their sixtieth wedding anniversary on a cruise around Hawaii with their grandchildren and great-grandchildren all around them, and when they finally died, as people do, they did so only a few hours apart.

But technically, they never existed in the same universe at the same time.

The multiverse is a bigger place than we imagine, or indeed than we can imagine. The mathematician Max Tegmark says, in fact, that not only every possible physical universe exists in it, but every possible mental universe. Any self-consistent mathematical system is its own universe, equally real with our own.

Including the ones containing Boltzmann brains.

A Boltzmann brain is a brain that comes into existence in a universe which is otherwise at maximum entropy. There’s nothing else in the universe, and then, blip! – a brain appears, complete with memories of an entire life that never happened. It has time for one single thought, and then it disappears out of existence again.

Given enough time, enough trillions of years, a second Boltzmann brain will appear, identical to the first except it’s now had that extra thought. Over googolplexes of years, this brain would live a normal human life in nanosecond-long installments, all its awareness of its surroundings being just false memories, and with no connection between its existence in one subjective moment and the next. But it would have a real, long, fulfilling life. Just like Jerry did.

Linda, on the other hand, didn’t even have that much physical existence. She was an artefact of a computer program that was never run. A computer scientist worked out a starting state for a cellular automaton which, if run, would have implemented a Turing machine, which in turn would eventually (after several quadrillion iterations) have simulated Linda’s entire life and all her visible surroundings. Her entire life, everything she ever thought, felt or experienced, was implicit in the twenty lines of Perl code the scientist had written down, but no computer in the world had the memory to run it or ever would.

Coincidentally, the Boltzmann brains that were Jerry Taylor contained faked memories that matched exactly the parts of the Linda program where she would have spent time with the man she loved. And the Linda program would eventually have produced a bunch of cells that implemented instructions that produced a simulacrum of a man within Linda’s range of vision, and that simulacrum would have behaved in exactly the same way that the Taylor brains would have, had they been connected to a body.

The children, grandchildren and so on, of course, had no independent existence of their own, and winked out of existence every time they were not in the presence of Linda or Jerry. They were just a shared hallucination of the Boltzmann brains and the computer program that was never run. But their lives were happy enough, for what they were.

Somewhere out there, in a universe we can never access, Jerry’s brain is popping briefly into existence again. For him, it is currently 1952, and Linda and he are on their second date. It’s the only experience that brain will ever have, before dissolving back into the mass of superheated protons from which it came, but it’s a happy experience. That nanosecond isn’t a bad life, all things considered.

And Linda? No-one’s even going to get round to writing her program for at least another sixty years. She doesn’t exist yet, even though Jerry is looking at her right now and wondering if she’ll let him do more than kiss her this time. But those twenty lines of perl code contain, in their own way, a recipe for happiness, if only they were to be followed closely enough.

And if Jerry and Linda live their lives totally oblivious of the nature of the universe they’re living in, if they’re completely unaware of their own natures and deluding themselves into thinking they’re something they’re not, and if neither of them will ever share a second’s real communication with the person they love, doesn’t that just make them human?

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The Shakespeare Code: A Short Story

Posted in fiction by Andrew Hickey on January 29, 2012

I had to have a nap earlier because of a headache, and I woke up giggling to myself with this story almost fully formed. One bit took some work (you’ll see which). If you like it, you can buy it for 99 cents at Smashwords, Kindle (US) or Kindle (UK), but you can, of course, just read it for free here.

The Shakespeare Code

I hated the theatre sometimes. I didn’t even know why my dad had given his patronage to that bunch of prancing ninnies, but at least when he had it had been for his own pleasure. I, on the other hand, got lumbered with them at the reading of the will. “Congratulations! You have inherited the baronetcy, the houses, the money, oh, and a bunch of players.”

It was, frankly, the least welcome gift I’d received since that wench gave me the pox. Bad enough that on his deathbed he turned down being made Earl of Wiltshire – all very romantic, all that “as you did not count me worthy of this honour in life, then I shall account myself not worthy of it in death” stuff, but what about accounting me worthy of it? – but to land me with the patronage of a, frankly, third rate bunch of actors was going too far.

It wasn’t even as if they showed me any respect. Oh, they called me “my Lord” to my face and were deferential enough, but behind my back they called me ‘the youth’. Youth! I was forty-nine years old! But in this, like in so much else, I could not step out of the shadow of my father. Why he had to tarry until he was seventy before dying I shall never know, but now I was finally able to run my own affairs he kept haunting me.

Of course, I didn’t actually have to run the day-to-day affairs of my players, just lend them my name (and how they griped when they found I would not automatically become Lord Chamberlain as my father was. “Lord Hunsdon’s Men just doesn’t have the same ring to it”, they complained) but even that was a burden. My dad didn’t mind having his name associated with these scum, but personally I think anyone who spends that much time dressing up in women’s clothes has something wrong with them. I wanted to make something of myself, not spend my time worrying that some foppish actor was going to drag my name through the mud.

Nonetheless, one has obligations, and so I called for these men to perform for me. They did competently enough, I suppose, though I am no great judge of these things. They did a play called King John, which they said was new, but I could have sworn I’d seen it, or one much like it, only a few years earlier. Nonetheless, they were adequate enough, with one exception – a hopeless bearded oaf with a West Country accent so thick he was barely comprehensible.

I spoke with the actors afterward, and asked Kempe, the funny one, why they’d allowed the provincial dullard to remain with their troupe.

“Well, my Lord, it’s a funny thing, but he’s tremendously well-connected. He knows all sorts of people. Writers, mostly.”

“Writers? How do you mean?”

“Well, he knows Francis Bacon, and he used to be good friends with Kit Marlowe.”

“What good does that do anyone?”

“Well, he gets them to write plays for us, doesn’t he? Every few weeks he’ll come over and say ‘here’s a new one by Ben Jonson’ or ‘Bacon wrote us this one, we’d better get practicing it.’”

“Ah, I see. So he is not so much an actor as a go-between, a person who will solicit plays from playwrights?”

“Not just from playwrights…”

“What do you mean?”

“I thought you’d know, being a nobleman and all, with your connections in court…”

“Humour me.”

“Well, some of the plays he brings are secretly by the Earl of Oxford.”

“Oxford? But doesn’t he have his own troupe of players?”

“Well, that’s why they’re secret, see? And he’s not the only nobleman to write for us. Well, I say nobleman, but she’s not exactly a man, is she?”

“Who?”

“Her Majesty”

“The Queen writes plays for you?” I was astonished. Elizabeth had never seemed to have the slightest interest in literary matters.

“Oh yes. She wrote one for us just the other week. We’re practicing it at the moment.” He handed me a bunch of paper. “Here, have a look.”

It was headed The second part of Henrie the fourth, continuing to his death, and coronation of Henrie the fift. With the humours of Sir John Falstaff, and swaggering Pistoll, by Her Gracious Majestie Elizabeth Queen of England.

I suddenly realised – if the Queen were writing for my players, that was an obvious means of advancement at court for me. A few flattering words about her poetic style, a couple of phrases from her work dropped casually into the conversation, and that Earldom would be mine after all.

“Do you mind if I borrow this and have a read of it?”

“Oh, not at all. I never bother learning my lines anyway. I just make stuff up. That’s why the crowds love me!”

(I forbore from saying that while the crowds loved him, his fellow actors clearly didn’t. The glares he’d got from the beardy brummie at times had been enough to turn the blood to ice.)

I took the play back to my rooms, and began to read.

Open your ears; for which of you will stop
The vent of hearing when loud Rumour speaks?
I, from the orient to the drooping west,
Making the wind my post-horse, still unfold
The acts commenced on this ball of earth:

It was going to be a long night, but with luck it would pay off.

* * * * *

The next day, I attended court, and was granted an audience with the Queen. It didn’t go quite as I had hoped.

“You wished to see us, Hundson?”

“Yes, your Majesty. I have speeded hither with the very extremest inch of possibility.”

“And for what purpose do you wish to see us?”

“I come to praise you, your Majesty, for you write your fair words still in fairer letters.”

“We do not understand.”

“Your play, Majesty.”

“Play?”

“Your play about your glorious ancestor, Henry the fourth.”

“What play is this?”

“Your Majesty?”

“You speak nonsense. I believe the pox that is rotting your face may now be addling your brain.”

“Majesty, I…”

“You may leave us.”

I left, utterly despondent. How could I have messed this up so badly? I was quoting from her Majesty’s own play, using her own words, to praise her. How could she have completely misunderstood my intentions? As it was, a shadow would be over me at court. I should have to claim that I was still grief-stricken for my father, and had temporarily lost my wits.

I decided to send a message to the Earl of Oxford, asking him what he knew of the Queen’s writing. As a playwright and poet himself, he would naturally have spoken with her Majesty, and maybe even given her advice. Oxford was at the time recovering from a particularly serious illness, and was resting in Byfleet, a day’s ride away. While I awaited his reply, I read the play again, because something had seemed odd about it.

In particular, one line stuck out for me – “Which I with more than with a common pain”. This seemed an oddly malformed line for such an otherwise well-written play. Why would there be two ‘with’s in a single sentence? Surely her Majesty would have written a line like “Which I with more than just a common pain”? It would have scanned as well, and would have made more sense.

I puzzled at this for some time, but was still getting nowhere when reply came from Oxford two days later.

He had no knowledge of the Queen ever having written a play in her life.

Not only that, but he denied ever having written anything for any group of players other than his own, and said he had never met this Will Shaxper, Burbage’s talentless but supposedly well-connected actor friend.

This Shaxper had made a fool of me at Court, and I determined to call him to account, but I would first need to find some proof.

And then I saw it, in the very line I had been wondering over for two days. I knew who had really written this play.

* * * * * * * *

I called for Shaxper to come and see me, and he arrived soon after, looking wary.

“What can I do for you, my Lord?”

“You can explain who really wrote this play.”

“What do you mean?”

“Who wrote Henry the Fourth, Part II?”

“Oh, that’s easy, my Lord. Her Majesty the Queen wrote it.”

“Did she?”

“Aye, sir.”

“Then why does she disavow all knowledge of the play?”

“Oh, that’s easy sir. She couldn’t be seen to consort with lower classes such as us poor players, your Lordship. She writes out of a love of the art, not out of any desire for money. And she has all the renown she wishes, as monarch of the greatest country in the world. What desire could she have to be known as a mere spinner of tales?”

“I see. And how about King John? Who wrote that?”

“Francis Bacon, your Lordship.”

“Then how come he says he knows nothing of any of these plays?”

“He’s a very modest man, your Lordship. And he is also worried that some of the plays may offend some of those at Court, so he asks that we perform them without his name.”

“So you’re sticking to the story that the Queen wrote Henry IV, and Bacon wrote King John?”

“It is no story, sir, but the facts.”

“Then let me read something to you.”

I read him a short extract from Henry IV, Part II:

My gracious liege,
You won it, wore it, kept it, gave it me;
Then plain and right must my possession be:
Which I with more than with a common pain
‘Gainst all the world will rightf’lly maintain.

He looked sick, but said nothing.

“So, you have nothing to say to that?”

“It’s a good speech, isn’t it? That line about ‘with more than with a common pain’ needs a bit of work, though.”

“And that’s all you’ve got to say?”

“What else is there to say, my Lord?”

“Do you think me a fool?”

“No, my Lord.”

“Then don’t treat me like one. You gave yourself away with this very verse.”

“My Lordship, I assure you, I don’t understand.”

“Do you think I know nothing of ciphers and anagrams? Think you not that all of us in court pay attention to these things, after Scottish Mary was put to the chop for such codes?”

“My Lord?”

“This is a transparent anagram! The letters, when rearranged, say ‘I, William Shakespeare, enticing wit, great’st poet in England, wrote this play. I, Will, am often mimmic moure than common playwright , hiding this via nib so thy art, youth, will not gues who.’ You write a play under my patronage and hide insults to me in it?”

“My Lord, I beg your forgiveness. You are obviously a much greater mind than your noble father. He would never have noticed such a small clue as that.”

I sighed. “Look, just tell me the truth. Did any of your noble friends write any of these plays?”

“No, your Lordship.”

“Not any of them?”

“No.”

“Not Bacon?”

“No.”

“Oxford?”

“No.”

“How about your playwright friends, Kit Marlowe, Ben Jonson? Did they write any of them?”

“No, your Lordship. I wrote them all.”

“So the plays of Francis Bacon, Christopher Marlowe, Ben Jonson, the Earl of Oxford and Queen Elizabeth are all really by William Shakespeare of Stratford?”

“Yes, your Lordship.”

I sighed again. “Do you have any idea how difficult this will be to cover up?”

Time Detective Chapter Two

Posted in fiction by Andrew Hickey on January 26, 2012

[For part one of the story, click the "time detective" tag]

So I should probably explain what it actually is that I do, shouldn’t I? I’m a private detective, but I started out as a physics student. I was planning on a relatively dull career in academia, as a matter of fact – I was interested in doing some work in gravitational physics, which was hardly a cutting-edge whizz-bang area, and the Brian Cox career path had yet to be invented. My plan was to finish my Master’s, get a doctorate, then settle into a life of producing three or four papers a year which nobody would read.

But I made two big mistakes. The first was putting a chemistry module down as one of my optional modules, because I didn’t like the look of electronic engineering. The other was actually paying attention.

A chance remark in an organic chemistry lecture about an unusual property of thiotimoline caused me to think about what would happen to the shape of the molecule in a Gauss-Riemann geometry. I put that together with a couple of other things – which I’m not going to mention here, obviously – and suddenly found I had worked out a way to travel through time. And not one of those “build two black holes ten thousand light years apart and rotate one of them” jobs. This required practically nothing – you probably have most of the equipment to build a small time machine yourself, though you could probably only go back a week or so on a domestic power supply without blowing a fuse.

I posted something on USENET, not saying exactly what I’d done – I didn’t want to pre-empt publication and risk that Nobel prize – but posting a couple of the calculations in a different context, as a gedankenexperiment, just to make sure I hadn’t done anything incredibly stupid.

Two hours later, a man I didn’t know, in an immaculately-tailored suit, one that fit so well that the gun he had in his pocket was extremely conspicuous, showed up at the door of my room in Halls and asked me to take a walk.

As we walked through Sackville Park, he explained the situation to me.

“You’re not the first to figure it out, you know. Feynman knew the trick, and Von Neumann. Godel probably did as well, though by the end he didn’t know much of anything. We get about one undergrad every three or four years figuring it out now.”

“So why haven’t I heard of it before?”

“Oh for God’s sake, man, I thought you were meant to be clever. It’s too dangerous ever to be made public.”

“Dangerous? But I’ve proved that changing history and paradoxes are both impossible. This would only work in a universe with a single consistent history.”

“Exactly. Think about what that means, for a moment, man. Say you want my PIN number. You say you’ll try 1111, and if it works, write it down on a piece of paper and send it back to yourself five minutes earlier. If it doesn’t, you write 1112 and send it back to yourself.” He sat down on a bench. “The only consistent history where that works is the one where you instantly get a piece of paper with my PIN on it. All cryptography becomes useless. All national secrets are instantly open to anyone. The whole fabric of civilisation comes under threat.”

“So, what, you want me to stop investigating this stuff?”

“Not at all. We know that you can’t get the truly curious to ever stop experimenting. You want to build a time machine for your own personal use, we can’t stop you – the components are too easy to get hold of. What we want you to do is to sign the Official Secrets Act – you never tell anyone else how to do it, and any attempt to misuse the technology gets you convicted of high treason. Also, you quit university, today. We don’t want you slipping bits of these ideas out, even by accident.”

“Quit university?!”

“Yes. Drop out. Find another job. Whatever you want – the government will pay you thirty thousand a year to keep your mouth shut, anyway, and you can carry on your research in your own time, so long as you pass all your work on to the government. That’s the deal, take it or leave it.”

“You offer that to everyone who figures this out?”

“Yes, it’s our standard offer.”

“And has anyone ever turned you down?”

“Oh, one or two, one or two…” he stood up,“I’ll be round tomorrow with your copy of the Official Secrets Act.”

As he went, he patted the statue that he’d been sitting next to on the bench. The statue of Alan Turing.

I did as he asked.

So now, I work as a private detective. Not because I need the money as such, but just to give me something to do with my brain now that physics isn’t an option. Not that most of my cases require much of a brain. But a few require a little investigation, and that’s where I have the edge over my competitors. With my personal-sized time machine I can only go back in time a week or so, and I have to be careful not to give myself too much information about the future (the government keep a very close eye on trans-temporal communication – any sudden lottery wins and I’d be the richest man in the graveyard), but it does mean that if someone says their husband came home late last Wednesday, for example, I can go back and follow him and see where he went.

Those are the neat cases, of course. This one was worse. This time someone was dead, and it was my fault, somehow. And I was going to have to go back and meet this man, knowing he was going to die, and knowing there was nothing I could possibly do to stop it.

It’s days like that that make me wish I’d gone for electronic engineering after all.

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Time Detective Part 1

Posted in fiction by Andrew Hickey on January 12, 2012

I’m too ill to write today (my blood pressure’s increased. giving me an awful headache), but I found this on my hard drive when looking for something else. It’s the first chapter of a science fiction detective novella I started writing. If people like it, I’ll write the rest. Let me know what you think:

Time Detective
I got into my office about ten minutes after I received the message from myself, letting me know the client was going to be coming. I could have got there quicker, but I like to leave a little bit of time to let myself get out of the way.

I’d not been in for a week, since getting the first message from myself, telling me to keep clear, but the place was pretty much exactly as I’d left it.

Work had been a bit light for a couple of months. There are only so many adulterous husbands you can follow or pet cats you can track down before you realise that the life of a private detective is staggeringly unlike that of a Philip Marlowe or a Sherlock Holmes. Unless there’s a Holmes story I’ve not read called “The Case Of The Drunken Arsehole Who Gave His Wife The Clap”, anyway. It’s an unpleasant, dirty, sleazy job, and not one I’d recommend to anyone else.

Of course, I have certain… advantages… that make me very, very good at it. And that was why I was heading to my office at the ridiculous hour of ten in the morning, to meet up with someone who would undoubtedly be asking me if I could add up the clues of the used condom wrapper she’d found in her husband’s pocket and the money that had been disappearing from their joint account and come up with an answer she might actually like.

So I got to my office and opened a bottle of whisky. The truth is, I don’t touch the stuff, but I found early on that clients want to see a hard-boiled hard-drinking Sam Spade gumshoe, even when you’re operating out of a rented office suite in a suburban industrial estate. The smell of whisky, like the five o’clock shadow, makes them think you’re a rule-breaking wise guy who kicks ass and takes names.

And of course there’s an element of truth in that – you have to be prepared to do a few things in this business that are, at best, dubiously ethical. Though not so much in the cases with the lost cats. And you have to be prepared to defend yourself. I’ve had a few newly-ex husbands come to see me to try to extract their alimony payments from me in the form of teeth.

But in general, that kind of thing is all about image. You can go down two routes in this business. You can either look like an actual thug – skinhead, broken nose, missing teeth, neck wider than your head – or you can go for the more sophisticated-but-still-dangerous look. Give the impression of a man weighted down by a great and terrible secret that means he has nothing left to lose. The latter is not only easier when you’re as skinny as I am, but it also gets you a better class of customer. I’m not really interested in the type of cases that require breaking someone’s kneecaps.

So I open the bottle, undo the top button of my shirt, loosen my tie, basically all the stuff that will give the impression that I’m a 1940s film noir macho man and not Bill Dobson from Wilmslow, who still shares a flat with a bloke he met at university, and whose reading matter tends more towards New Scientist and The Guardian than thrillers.

The client doesn’t know I know she’s coming, of course, which allows me to get into the perfect position for when she opens the door. I turn my chair round so I’m facing away from the door, put my feet up on the small filing cabinet I only keep for this purpose (I store all the information about my cases on my iPad, but that doesn’t really fit the image), and hold my phone up to my ear and pretend to be talking to a satisfied client.

“…No, no, that’s absolutely fine,” the door opens behind me and I raise a finger, in a ‘wait one moment’ motion, “there’s absolutely no need for a reward. You’ve already paid me handsomely…”

The phone is smashed out of my hand, and knocked to the floor, and my chair is spun around, knocking my feet off the cabinet and sending me flying to the floor.

“Shit, that’s all I need,” I thought to myself, “an angry husband.”

It’s at times like those that I really wish I’d been able to figure out a better way of warning myself about things like this.

But then I looked across, and from my admittedly limited vantage-point, it looked to me like this wasn’t an angry husband at all. While it’s not completely unknown for angry husbands to be wearing high-heeled shoes, most of them were in a larger size than this, and very few of them had the legs to really carry it off.

“You bastard!” the not-husband screamed at me.

I staggered to my knees and looked up. Definitely not a husband.

“You bastard!” the not-husband repeated, keeping to a theme she was evidently comfortable with, “You utter bastard! Paul trusted you!”

This was not how I was expecting the day to go at all, and if it weren’t for the fact that it’d have caused a paradox I’d have wished I’d stayed in bed and let myself deal with it.

“Excuse me,” I said, as calmly as I could with my head still at the not-husband’s groin level, “but would you mind explaining to me what you’re talking about?”

“Paul. Paul Bradshaw. Your client! My husband!”

Now, this was suddenly starting to make sense. I’d obviously let my client down in some way. The fact that this particular client’s name was completely unknown to me didn’t really matter – if you learn clients’ names, you only get attached to them, and the next thing you know you’re submitting accurate expense forms. Plus, of course, there are always those clients whose names I’ve not been told. From the sounds of things, Paul was one of them.

“Sorry, I’m not really awake yet. Would you mind telling me exactly how I let him down?”

“He’s dead! And it’s your fault!”

Well, as let-downs go, that’s certainly a big one. But I was still not sure exactly how this was my fault.

“What happened?”

“I found him last night, when I came home from work. He was hanging from the bannister, holding a note in his hand that just said ‘I’m sorry’.”

She burst into tears. By this time I’d finally got to my feet, so I pulled up a chair for her, and she sat down. I sat on the desk and handed her the box of Kleenex I keep for such situations, making a mental note to invoice her for it if she became a client.

“So he killed himself, then?”

She looked up at me, incredulously. “No, of course not!”

“But… but the note…”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t realise that sign on your door actually read Private Defective. Of course he didn’t fucking kill himself. He was murdered.”

“Murdered?”

“Yes, merrderred,” she said, doing a rather poor impression of my voice. Under the circumstances I could, of course, understand her being less than friendly, but this was still not exactly the most pleasant introduction to a client I’d ever had.

“Do the police agree?”

“Of course not! If they thought he’d been murdered, they’d have to do some sodding work! It’s already down as suicide, case closed, end of story!”

“So what makes you so sure it wasn’t suicide?”

“OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE! If he was going to kill himself, he’d hardly have hired you as a bodyguard, would he? Arsehole.”

And it all snapped into place.

Poor Paul must have hired me as a bodyguard about a week ago, because he was in fear for his life. Obviously, I’d not done a particularly wonderful job of guarding his body, as it was no longer in the state he’d wanted me to keep it in, viz. breathing, conscious, etc.

All of a sudden, it became entirely apparent that the not-husband was, in fact, being rather more charitable to me than I’d thought. I’d taken her husband’s money, and promised to keep him safe, and he’d died. Under the circumstances, the fact that I still had the same number of teeth I’d woken up with was far more than I could have expected.

“I…I can’t apologise enough.”

“No. No you can’t.”

“I did everything I could, believe me,” though why she should believe me when I clearly hadn’t done everything I could, I didn’t know, “and I will never, ever forgive myself for letting your husband down like this.”

That, at least, was true.

She burst into tears. “I’m sorry. I know you did. Nobody could have saved him, by the end. It’s just… I’m sorry…”

I didn’t know what to say, so I ended up saying the worst possible thing I could have done, under the circumstances.

“Look, I may not be a good bodyguard – it’s not something I normally do, and I’ve no idea why I agreed to do it for Paul – but I’m the best detective I know of. I can’t bring Paul back. No-one can. Nothing can make this better. But I promise you this – I will hunt down the bastard who did this and bring them to justice.”

She looked up at me “Really?”

“Yes, really. In fact, you have my guarantee that I’ll have enough evidence to get them arrested and tried within two days.”

Shit.

I shouldn’t have said that.

Now I only had a week to get the evidence together.

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The Capture (Doctor Watson Investigates: The Case Of The Scarlet Neckerchief part IX)

Posted in books, fiction by Andrew Hickey on January 4, 2012

(For parts one to eight of the good doctor’s investigation, click on the Doctor Watson Investigates tag. A revised ebook of this story is now available – on Amazon (US), Amazon (UK) and Smashwords.)

I stared, dumbstruck, at the hair for a length of time that felt like an eternity but must only have been a few seconds. This was the woman who had visited me the previous morning (was it merely a day hence? It felt like many months), but she was now red-haired, when she had been dark-haired when I had seen her later that day.

And then I remembered. Rose Travers, the missing woman, had looked just like her sister. Cynthia had even told me when she visited me “Were it not for the flaming red hair for which she was named, one could almost have thought her my twin.”

I had been visited not by Cynthia at all, but by her sister Rose.

But why should Rose have visited me with a story about her own disappearance? A story, what is more, that both Cynthia Travers and Earl Hernshire seemed to believe to be correct, as well as Rose’s unfortunate fiance Roger. This was becoming a most perplexing and bizarre mystery indeed.

I related the events of the last day to Lestrade, along with the story that Rose had told me. How much of that tale was fictitious I, of course, did not know, but those few events which I had been able to verify had proved trustworthy, so I believed that in its broad outlines it was true.

And in telling Lestrade the story – of the dead mother who had inherited a fortune after her brother’s disappearance, of the appearance of the baby, of the fiance who travelled a lot, of the adopted sisters who nonetheless looked like twins, and of the woman who had come to me to report her own disappearance – I had a horrifying realisation, one that I should have had much earlier.

I knew who the murderer was, and what his motive had been. The final proof came when I examined the body, and found the neckerchief which she had shown me yesterday nowhere to be seen.

“Lestrade! Quickly, we must get to the docks! And pray God we are not too late!”

I do not exaggerate when I say that that six-mile journey seemed one of the longest of my life. The cab journey to Wapping could surely have taken no more than three-quarters of an hour by the clock, but it felt like an eternity to one who knew that justice would be served or forever denied by our speed. Rose Travers had, it now appeared, been a liar and a party to terrible crimes, but her death still needed to be avenged by the law.

Upon finally arriving at the docks, we found them bustling with all the many species of humanity from all parts of the Empire, loading and unloading crates, boxes and barrels of every imaginable exotic item. After some confusion, we finally found someone who spoke something recognisably akin to English.

“Is there a boat going to Africa from here any time soon?” I asked.

“No boats here, mate.”

“A ship, then. Is there a ship going to Africa from these docks today?”

“Yep. That’un over there. Leaves in a hour.”

We raced to the ship, ran up the gangplank despite protestations from some of the sailors, and Lestrade and his two constables began their search, looking for the man whose description I had given them on the journey. However, as they were looking, I saw a figure approaching from the docks.

It was the killer! We had managed to arrive before him, and looking at him it was clear to see why. He had obviously changed his clothes, from the respectable outfit I had seen him in to the drab workman’s clothes he now wore. He had also affected a stoop, in order to fit in better with the mass of humanity around him. I, however, would have recognised him anywhere.

In retrospect, it would have been the intelligent thing to hide, allow him to board the ship, and then arrest him. In my enthusiasm and anger, though, I shouted “Hoy!” as soon as I saw him, and he turned, dropped his bag, and fled.

I sprinted down the gangplank, closely followed by Lestrade and his constables. Had the dock been less crowded I should have pulled out my service revolver and shot at the miscreant, for he was younger than I and unencumbered by a war wound. Fortunately, the policemen were faster than I, and they caught him before he could make good his escape.

They dragged him, still protesting, in front of me.

“Is this the man?” asked Lestrade.

It was. The man in front of me, bedraggled though he was, was undoubtedly the same man I had met the day before, and who without realising I had glimpsed catching the earlier train that morning.

“That’s the man. He calls himself Roger Courtenay, but I doubt it’s his real name.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” protested the villain, “I’ve never heard of any Roger Courtenay.”

“Search his pockets.”

His pockets were searched, and in one was found the same blood-encrusted red neckerchief that Rose had shown me the day before.

“That should be enough to see him hanged,” said Lestrade.

“Indeed. But it should be under his real name. Would I be right in thinking that your real name is not Courtenay but Hemingford?”

The shock on the villain’s face told me I was correct.

“How in God’s name did you know that?”

“Oh, it was obvious. Why else would you kill your sister?”

(Tomorrow – the return of Holmes and the final explanation)

Two Wires (Doctor Watson Investigates: The Case Of The Scarlet Neckerchief part IV)

Posted in fiction by Andrew Hickey on December 1, 2011

(Click the Doctor Watson Investigates tag for parts 1 – 3. A revised ebook of this story is now available – on Amazon (US), Amazon (UK) and Smashwords.)

I examined the cloth carefully, but however many secrets it may have yielded to Holmes’ eye, to mine it was only a bloodied cloth.

“And you say your sister kept this with her at all times?”

“She had never been parted with it from the day we found her. I fear, Doctor Watson, that Rose would not be parted from it by anything short of her death. And I fear that whoever did this will do the same to me.”

“The fiend!” I expostulated. “And you have no idea who it could be?”

“Sir, I can honestly say that neither Rose nor myself has an enemy in the world. We have led a solitary existence, and have few acquaintances and fewer opportunities for disagreement. Had this occured some years previously, I should perhaps have suspected one of father’s political opponents, but he has retired now, and surely not even a Tory would choose to attack a man through his children?”

I declined to comment. One does not discuss politics with ladies.

“It might be, though, someone opposed to father’s stance on Home Rule for the Irish. He is a Moderate, and received threats from both sides. Few things arouse men’s passions as much as a devotion to the land of their birth, whatever land that may be. But still…to go after poor Rose seems too brutish!”

“I should say so. To fully describe my feelings about such animals would require me to use language that a gentleman would never use in the presence of a lady.”

I pondered the situation for some moments, then walked over to the writing desk. I took out a telegraph pad and pencil, and quickly jotted down “FOUL BUSINESS STOP ONE PROBABLE MURDER ANOTHER YOUNG LADY THREATENED STOP POSSIBLE POLITICAL MOTIVES STOP PLEASE ADVISE ADDRESS TO WRITE WITH MORE DETAILS JHW” along with the false name and address Holmes had given me, and rang for Mrs. Hudson.

I gave the telegram to Mrs. Hudson and asked her to arrange its delivery as soon as possible, then turned my attention back to the young lady.

“I shall, of course, inform Holmes of all of this, but from time to time Holmes requests the assistance of specialists in other fields. Your tale has some points of interest that I thought one of his associates might be able to help with, hence the telegram.”

“What points of interest?”

I must confess I hadn’t expected such a question. When Holmes says such things his clients invariably accept it.

“Oh, nothing to concern yourself with. What we do have to concern ourselves with is your protection. While I devoutly hope that your suspicions as to your sister’s fate are unfounded, we do not want you to share that fate. Have you anywhere you can stay?”

“My father has a house in town.”

“No, that won’t do. If this is someone who wishes your family harm, he will surely know of the address.”

I pondered the matter for some moments, and then it came to me. I knew the perfect place. I had only recently moved back in with Holmes, and my old house was currently empty. I had been planning to let it, but as yet it had no tenant.

I explained the situation to Miss Travers, but she seemed concerned.

“Is it entirely proper? I am an unmarried woman, and you are, if you will forgive me for saying so, an older gentleman.”

“I’m not yet forty!”

“Even so. It would not appear right.”

“My dear lady, we do not wish it to appear like anything. We shall inform no-one of your presence there. In fact to do so would be to open you up to precisely the attack we are attempting to avoid.”

I hailed a cab, and escorted her to the house that had so recently been the centre of my life, and which held so many happy memories now turned bitter-sweet.

I quickly excused myself, once I was assured of Miss Travers’ safety, and left in something of a despondent mood. I consoled myself, however, with the thought that the old house was being used once more, and by a woman almost as beautiful as the one who had lived there so recently. My unhappiness would, at least, have some positive effect.

Having returned to the rooms I shared with Holmes – rooms whose memories were far more eventful but far less melancholy – I poured myself a brandy and began to consider the next course of action. Miss Travers was safe for the moment, but her story hinted at an almost diabolical intelligence, one who would stop at nothing to get what he thought was his.

It seemed to me an utterly insoluble conundrum. Letters arriving without being delivered, sent by the enemy of a girl who had no enemies, leading to that macabre bloodstained neckerchief. Rarely had such a ghastly case been brought to my attention, and rarely had one seemed so incapable of solution.

Nonetheless, I put my trust in Holmes. Some of my readers have mocked the way I marvel at his deductive skills, claiming that his feats of reasoning are mere parlour tricks, of which any normally observant man would be capable. If this is the impression I have given, I can only say that the fault is in my work, not in Holmes. I cannot imagine that a quicker, more lively mind exists in the world. He is, in the field of deduction, what Newton or Napoleon had been in their respective fields, and I daresay it will be many centuries before a fourth brain of that calibre arises to join that exalted trio.

So I was certain that were Holmes to be apprised of the facts of the situation, he would undoubtedly find a solution to the problem in a short time. Luckily, my questioning of Miss Travers had elicited so much detail that Holmes would surely have all the information he needed without having to cut short his European adventures.

I sat down at my desk and began composing a letter to Holmes, detailing the strange and marvellous occurences Miss Travers had related to me. But I had only got as far as her sister Rose’s mysterious arrival as a baby, when there came a knock on the door.

It was a telegram being delivered. And its twelve words were ones that made my heart stop.

“SH NO LONGER AT THIS ADDRESS STOP NO FORWARDING ADDRESS STOP APOLOGIES”

Fragment of a story

Posted in fiction by Andrew Hickey on August 14, 2011

Just found this while looking through some of the drafts of my fiction. I’ve got no idea where the story was going, but I quite like what there is of it…

Birthright

It is unacceptable that in these politically correct times, we cannot even talk about the very real problems caused by mass birth, without being accused of being natalist. While this publication does not, of course, endorse the views of hate organisations like the Post-Natal Abortion League, we can no longer stand by while people continue to practice ‘medical’ skills like midwifery. Britain is overcrowded, and the medieval practices of ‘pr*gn*ncy’ and ‘giving birth’ need to end.
Daily Mail leader article, 20th June 2085

#
The car was parked outside the factory building, the four members of Action Against Anti-Natalists sat inside as the evening got darker.
“That’s the last of the workers gone, then?”
“Leave it another ten minutes, just in case there’s any stragglers left.”
“Now this is going to be your last chance to back out of this. If any of you are at all unsure about the righteousness of our cause, get out now while you can. Arthur, you still in?”
“I wouldn’t have spent the last three months building the equipment if I had any doubts, would I?”
“Fiona?”
“Yeah, I’m still in. It should be a laugh.”
“Martin?”
“I’m hardly going to back down now, am I?”
“Good, because this is the most important moment of our lifetime, a chance for the trueborn to reclaim our birthright from the clones, a chance for us to strike the ultimate blow, a –”
“Dave?”
“Yes, Martin?”
“This is a chance for you to shut your mouth and let us get on with the job.”
#

Crime And Birth: One of the most important issues facing the country today is that of the born. Many citizens feel that in these straitened economic times, it is unfair for the born to demand support from the State for eighteen years after their birth before they start work, while hard-working citizens are starting work from the day they’re produced. For that reason, and to combat the anti-natalist violence which is disrupting our inner cities, we have decided, reluctantly, to replace State support for the Born with a loan system. If we get elected, all costs incurred by the State for feeding, clothing, educating and housing the Born from their birth until the age of eighteen will be taken from them as a 50% tax on their earnings after that time, with interest accumulating at 10% above inflation. We believe that this is the only fair way to stop the Born being a burden on society.
Freedom Party manifesto, 2086 General Election

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Bubble Universe (A Short Story)

Posted in fiction by Andrew Hickey on August 7, 2011

One of the things that apparently is different about ebook publishing from traditional publishing is that people will buy short stories. I’m going to write a series of short stories and make each of them available on the Kindle/Smashwords for 99 cents.And of course, as always they’ll be posted here free of charge. This one is now up on smashwords, Kindle (US) and Kindle (UK)

I first noticed something was wrong at the last election, when my party won.

We’re not supposed to win. That’s not what we’re for! We don’t win things, we lose but win a moral victory, and then when the other lot are in we can complain about how they’re getting everything wrong, taking away our freedoms and so on. That’s the way it’s meant to work – they have the power, we have the moral superiority.

I mean, I don’t like it being that way, but it’s not really about what I like, is it? If elections were decided by what I want, things would be very different.

But the last election had felt different. People had been talking about it as ‘the first online election’ (just like they’d talked about every election since about 1999), and certainly all my friends had been talking about it. It had been quite exciting, actually, the number of my friends who’d said they’d be voting for us. All the online polls were for us, all the blogs I read were supportive of us, people were updating their statuses to tell all their friends they’d voted for us… It made me almost think we could win, but I hadn’t really thought it was possible until the first exit polls started coming in.

I should have guessed then, actually. Especially when the radio remarked on what a low turnout it had been. But on a historic day like that one, you don’t think about that kind of thing, you just celebrate. Anyway, it can’t have been that low a turnout – all my online friends had been out and voted, and were busy sharing posts by all their friends, who’d also voted for us.

In fact, it seemed like everyone was celebrating. Everywhere I looked online, there were more people talking about how historic it was, how it was a victory for hope, and for change, and for the new politics, how it showed there was a progressive consensus in this country despite what those fools in the mainstream media said.

I didn’t actually see what those fools in the mainstream media said, of course – in fact the newspaper I read… well, read, I skim the headlines online… it was vaguely supportive of us, as I recall. But apparently there were a lot of pompous bigots in the mainstream media who said that this was the end of the world, that it was the downfall of civilisation, that my lot weren’t ready for government. Or so I was assured, by the media bloggers.

When I went to work the next week (I’d taken the week off to help with the campaign – I’d been that committed to the cause) there were a few fewer people than normal there. Apparently a couple of people on temporary contracts had not had them renewed, or something. I didn’t bother to check, to be honest, I was still on a high from the victory. So was everyone else at work, actually. It seemed like I didn’t know anyone who’d not voted for us – which was quite surprising, as it hadn’t been *that* overwhelming a victory. But as far as I could tell everyone was as excited and relieved as I was.

On my way home, I passed a number of shops that were boarded up, or had ‘going out of business’ signs up. I wasn’t that bothered though – I never went in them anyway. In fact there were only two or three shops I ever went into – I did most of my shopping online, where I could get exactly what I wanted, rather than just what was on offer in some small shop. In a way it was a shame, but you can’t stop progress. And the mess the economy was in… well, you expect a few things to disappear from the high streets in a situation like that, don’t you?

That night I looked through my Google Reader feeds, and saw an interesting story in New Scientist – apparently scientists had found evidence of ‘bubble universes’, separate universes from ours that we have no way of contacting. I shared it, but most of my friends had already seen it.

***

The disappearances, when they started ramping up, still took some time to be noticeable. There were fewer old people on the streets, a few less homeless people, a few less drunks outside the bars on Saturday night. For a long time, it just seemed as if things were getting a little bit nicer.

Things were certainly getting better for me. My favourite band, The Red Balloon, had slowly been building up momentum. I’d first heard about them from a mailing list I was on, and I’d ‘liked’ them on various social media sites as each one rose and fell, shared their tracks in my playlists, and got a lot of my friends listening to them. They did sort of jangly guitar-pop, the kind of thing that should have been massively successful, but which never was.

But more and more of my friends had been getting excited by them, and so, it seemed, had a lot of other people, and when their new album came out I could hardly get away from it. When I wasn’t playing it myself it was coming up in my recommended tracks on last.fm, or my friends were sharing tracks from it, or… it just seemed to be everywhere. One of those zeitgeist-defining moments, you know? And they were getting covered on all the big music blogs, all the tastemakers were listening to them… it just seemed like everyone was listening to them. I felt like my taste was being validated.

Of course, there was a slight element of disappointment that something that was just my little secret was getting bigger, but that’s the thing I remember most from that summer – the Red Balloon being the soundtrack for everyone who mattered.

I know that sounds shallow, in retrospect. But it’s not like anyone had been counting the number of street people. It’s not like anyone was bothered at the time that there seemed to be a lot fewer arseholes around.

A couple of newspapers closed down that summer, too. There’d been some kind of scandal, but really they were just closing because they were obsolete. We all knew that. Everyone I talked to said the same – they didn’t read them anyway. They were old media.

A lot more of the shops closed down. There was talk of recession, but again, it didn’t really bother me. It just meant that the city centre was a lot emptier. And as far as I was concerned, that was a good thing.

But over time it seemed to get weird. There seemed to be fewer people everywhere, and those that were there just seemed to be pretty much the same as me – quite educated, quite articulate, quite progressive, very self-obsessed. It got spooky. I actually started taking a few contrarian positions just because I didn’t like living in an echo chamber. All that happened was people blocked me, and I lost a few friends who I never heard from again.

But the world seemed to be… I don’t know… thinning out a bit? A new social network started up, aimed at early adopters and the technocratic elite, so of course I signed up and that became my main online home. Along the way I lost touch with a few old friends, but that’s what happens. People grow apart.

But I still managed to stay blind to what was happening. I think we all did. I don’t think it was until the photographs from the space station that anyone even started to worry.

I remember seeing them, shared in my reader by one of my friends, and being puzzled for several minutes. They were just normal photos of the Earth, and I didn’t see anything wrong with them at first glance, but my eyes kept being dragged back to them, like a tongue poking at an aching tooth, because something wasn’t quite right.

When I realised, that was the moment when everything changed.

When I noticed Africa wasn’t there any more.

***

As best we could work out, later, it was all down to perception. We’ve known for centuries that perception shapes reality. Despite that pompous windbag Johnson, Berkeley was right when he said esse is percipi.

And certainly since the discovery of quantum physics, a little over a hundred years ago now, we’ve know that reality doesn’t work in the common-sense way people think. Everyone knows about Schrodinger’s Cat – though nobody could tell you what it actually means – but in those few months after the disappearance of Africa (and, on further examination, most of Asia and South America and a lot of the smaller central European republics) people were discussing a lot of wilder ideas, from Wigner’s Friend to Hilbert’s Hotel, to try to rationalise what was happening.

But it all comes down to the same thing, in the end – something needs to be perceived to exist. If you turn away from the moon long enough, when you look back it won’t be there.

Of course, there were also questions about what ‘existence’ meant – there were huge rows between the Copenhagenists, who argued that perception collapsed the wave-form and that anything that wasn’t perceived didn’t have any existence at all, the Everettians, who insisted that the Unperceived (as we started to call them) had just gone to a different universe to live their own lives, and the Bostromians, who were convinced that it was a glitch in the computer program on which we were all running, and that one day the Unperceived would reappear.

Those rows stopped pretty quickly once all the Everettians and Bostromians disappeared too, though.

The best conclusion we could come to – the rapidly-dwindling numbers who were left (though luckily, as far as I could tell it was all the most intelligent people who were left, and indeed there’d been a hypothesis for a time that there was some sort of selection on the basis of IQ going on, until those idiots had disappeared) – was that communications technology had become too good.

Or, rather, filtering technology had.

There was no longer a ‘consensus reality’ on which everyone was agreed. Rather, I got my news and opinions from things my friends (intelligent, educated, sensible people) shared, so I had a good understanding of the way the world actually worked. But there were huge numbers of people living in fantasy worlds – one where creationism made sense, or where free-market economics was flawed, or where talent-show pop music had some artistic value.

We were all living in our bubble universes, increasingly separated from each other, and had less and less contact. Eventually, the fantasists became so disconnected from reality that their perceptions and ours were completely incompatible, and they became the Unperceived.

The same, rather more sadly, happened to those whose life experiences were just too different. The homeless people, the foreigners, those we just didn’t see or hear about. They just disappeared. That was a shame, in a way… but possibly they were better off that way. They didn’t have much of a life anyway, did they?

It would be nice to think the Everettians had been right, and they’re all off living in their own worlds, but it doesn’t seem to make much sense that way. We have to be reasonable people, and the reasonable conclusion is that the Unperceived no longer exist – in fact that they never existed.

I’d say we will remember them, and that their sacrifice would not be forgotten, but it would just be a lie, wouldn’t it? Their death, like their existence, was entirely futile, and nobody now alive noticed them go. It’s sad, but we have to be realists.

***

So we tried to make sense of this new, emptier world, as more and more people disappeared. All the opposition politicians had disappeared long ago – some reports said that they’d first turned into a sort of bland, faceless mush, but we were almost certain that this was just a horror story. Somehow the shops – the few that were left – continued to be stocked with food despite their lack of staff, and when we ordered supplies off the internet they’d arrive by snail mail, though who was delivering them remained a mystery. All the essentials of civilisation continued, and eventually we got used to it. Films carried on coming out, and it was widely assumed that these were being generated by a rather crude computer program – which explained a lot about the previous few years’ films, too.

The numbers of people carried on decreasing, of course. There was the Great Retard Genocide a year later, when an argument about whether the use of the word ‘retard’ was still ableist now that there were no disabled people left, and the subsequent blockings, caused an estimated twenty thousand people to become Unperceived. There was the discovery that not only was the Deputy Prime Minister one of the Unperceived, but he’d never really existed, having been invented by a more-than-usually dishonest journalist. In fact it quickly became apparent that there were only four politicians in total, the rest being now mere hazy memories.

They disappeared, in their tens, hundreds and thousands. One by one, they were blocked, for sharing one too many photos of their cats (cats having, if anything, increased in number even as the human population was being wiped out), for reblogging animated gifs without credit, or just for having become boring. When the Red Balloon’s follow-up album turned out to be a bit samey, there were no more musicians left on the planet.

But we didn’t really care, by this point. I know it sounds awful, like we’re some sort of callous, heartless monsters, but it’s not that. When you’ve seen six billion or more people just disappear, leaving no evidence that they’ve ever existed, you become inured to it. At least that’s what we told ourselves. And anyway, it’s not like there wasn’t enough music out there in the cloud for us to listen to forever, without having to have human beings making more.

My girlfriend disappeared that year. We’d been drifting apart anyway.

I started to spend less time online. It was losing its appeal to me, for some reason. I spent endless hours walking through deserted streets, looking at the empty shops which nobody had ever visited. I tried opening the door of one, once, and discovered it didn’t open. Further examination proved the ‘windows’ were pasted-on photographs, and the ‘shop’ was in fact just a featureless white block of cold material with no way in or out. I’d always suspected as much, to be honest.

I was getting increasingly sick of the online echo chamber, blocking more and more people. I discovered I didn’t really need them. After all, they’d never really existed.

I stopped going to work. I had very few workmates left anyway, and most of them just sat around and looked at the internet most of the day anyway, rather than doing any work. I doubt they noticed I’d gone. I lost touch with most of them, I don’t know what happened to them.

Eventually, there were just two of us left.

We both knew game theory. We knew that we were dependent on each other for our continued existence. We just had to perceive each other. To know the other existed. So we made an arrangement. We retreated to opposite sides of the world (which had now shrunk to some five miles in diameter) and arranged to communicate precisely once a day. To minimise the chances of disagreement, our communications would consist of one word each, sent by email. I would say “there?” and he would say “yes”. As long as we did this, we’d be fine, and there was no reason why we couldn’t both live forever – so much else of the world was governed by our perceptions, why shouldn’t that be?

That was ten years ago, and we’ve not seen each other since, just sent the daily messages. I’ve spent my time watching films, listening to music, reading – there’s millennia of culture there in the cloud, created by people who now never existed. It’s been the happiest few years of my life, truth be told.

But today, I got a different message.

It just said “No.”

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A Publishing Experiment

Posted in books, fiction by Andrew Hickey on June 4, 2011

I’ve read how a lot of authors are having some success selling individual short stories on the Kindle for 99 cents, so I’ve decided to bundle up the four stories on my fiction page that aren’t about Doctor Who, and make them available as a Kindle book, “Four Stories About The Singularity” for 99 cents. It should be available tomorrow, from here (UK) or here (US).

A few notes about this:

There is NOTHING there other than a one-page introduction that I haven’t already made available freely on this blog. I say this so no-one will feel obliged to buy it and then feel ripped-off when it’s just something they’ve already got.

I’ve not made it available in non-Kindle formats for the simple reason that other than a handful of PDFs on Lulu I haven’t sold a single ebook yet in any other format. I have ensured that it is DRM-free, though, and again all the stories are freely available at the link above. I dislike this, as I prefer using open formats that can be read by anyone, but Amazon is literally the only place that people are buying my ebooks, and they only sell them in Kindle format at present.

I won’t be putting this out as a paper book because it’s only a quarter of the length of the shortest book I’ve written so far, but I may do an expanded ten- or fifteen-story paper book of short stories once I’ve got enough to make it worthwhile.

This will always be priced at only 99 cents, of which I will receive 35 – I don’t stand to make much/any money from this. I just want to see if there are people out there who are interested in reading my fiction, as I’m working on a couple of other fiction projects.

What do people think of this? Does it seem to you like a good idea, or like I’m desperately grasping for money/recognition? Should I have waited until I had more stories, or does four short-shorts for 99 cents seem reasonable? Should I have included something I haven’t yet posted here? Should I just not ever try writing fiction at all because I’m dreadful?

I enjoy writing, and I like making my stuff available as books, but what I *don’t* want to do is start completely scraping the barrel and putting out a book of crap a week (this is why I’m actively trying to structure stuff as books in advance now). Does this smack of that, or is it worthwhile?

Let me know what you think.

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