Instead, let me say I think the biggest hurdle a Watchmen movie faces is that other movies have beat it to the punch in satirizing superheroes. I mean, hell, a friend I saw the movie with who’d never read the book said “It’s kind of like a serious version of ‘The Incredibles’.”

So my solution? Make the Comedian the main character and follow his life story.

He interacts with every superhero character and discovers the “master plan,” so although you lose *plot*, you don’t lose much *story*. You don’t lose Rorschach or Nite Owl or Dr. Manhattan, and for sheer practicality, focusing on one character makes the narrative less sprawling and easier to fit into two-and-a-half hours or whatever.

But the best part about making the Comedian the central character is that he’s the outsider and can probably best comment on superhero conventions. Snyder’s Watchmen is far too reverent, both to the source material, but also to the characters; too sympathetic to the point that Nite Owl comes off more traditionally “heroic” than in the book, Dr. Manhattan slightly less detached, Rorschach a gritty action movie star.

But the Comedian could cut through all that. Only he’s critical enough to guarantee that Nite Owl comes off as a doughy nostalgia fetishist, Dr. Manhattan an increasingly detached demigod, Rorschach a paranoid nutjob. Only he is going to say “Have you ever thought the world would be better off if Superman and Batman were real? Well, you’re wrong.”

The movie ends with the Comedian dead, and the world in the hand of the superheroes … the ones the entire movie has just assured you are among the least capable people of handling the job.

Directing? Saying Kubrick’s probably too obvious, and I can’t help but think he’d be exactly ruthless enough to cut up the book that way and really run with such a horrible protagonist.; I’d like to think he’d be brave enough to realize that putting superheroes in spandex is going to look sillier than sculpted rubber armor, but that *that is the point*. Other than that … I thought Tarantino for a moment just because he’s so crass and brassy, but he’s maybe too much of a Dreiberg himself. A twisted part of me would like to see Wes Anderson create a whimsical universe full of Captain Metropolises and then have the Comedian denounce it all.

Anyway, lots of problems with this approach, and I think Andrew’s original approach probably encapsulates the themes of the book better, but … well, I had to give it a try.

they don’t.

Try this on for size, Andrew.

The movie follows the deliveries and usages of products which are ultimately owned by Adrian Veidt’s companies. Right down to sugar cubes. After the death of the Comedian (which actually happens), Rorschach visits mild-mannered Dan Dreiberg and tries to convince him there’s a conspiracy against ex-masks. Dreiberg doesn’t believe him. Rorschach says he’s going to visit Dr. Manhattan.

Dan tells him there is no “Dr. Manhattan”. Doesn’t he remember? They made it all up for the Crime-Busters?

“What about the Watchmen?” Rorschach insists.

“The what-now?” asks Dan.

Rorschach mentions how he always knew Nixon had bigger bosses. Maybe he’s a homosexual.

Dan says: “Nixon? Like Richard Nixon?”

Rorschach leaves, and goes out on the street. It is obviously 2009: people are dealing with their Blackberrys, meeting up for Thai food, using Malaysian slang. Fourth-generation Indian girls date blond-haired white guys.

As Rorschach walks out in the rain, the caption reads:

“New York City. 1985″.

Rorschach’s diary is read, in his voice, as he wanders through the streets, his mask shifting. When he gets to a big art-deco building, he looks up, as the diary reads he’s looking down and whispering “no”.

Inside the building: there are women’s screams, then a door is kicked viciously down. Two lily-white hands lurk behind the green lawyers’ lamp. Rorschach stumbles in on what are obviously very stupidly high-heeled boots.

Secretary: (from off) “I’m sorry, Mr. Veidt! I couldn’t hold him this time!”

Adrian: “That’s all right, Sharon. Rorschach, how many times do I have to tell you…”

Rorschach: (pointing) “Know what you’re up to, Veidt!”

Adrian: “‘Veidt’? Jesus, you can’t call me “Adrian”?”

Rorschach: “Won’t get away with it!

There are a bunch of Veidt statuettes on a shelf — Rorschach attacks them (unsteadily on his high-heeled shoes), scattering them to the floor.

Rorschach: “Find out your code! You always make mistakes, Veidt!” He lunges at Adrian’s desk. For the first time we see there’s a guy sitting there across from Adrian — it’s Doug Roth. He looks scared. Adrian’s hands, gold bracelets.

Adrian: “Look…look, ‘Rorschach’…” They play “Torture” for a few seconds. Veidt is obviously not trying very hard.

Rorschach: “Won’t let them take me alive!” He rushes out.

Adrian: (flipping a switch on his desk) “Security? Just let him leave. Don’t get in his way.” pause “Just…don’t.”

Adrian: (to Roth) “I’m sorry, Mr. Roth…you were going to ask…?”

Roth: “Your…your ibocaine factories…”

Adrian: “It’s okay now.”

Roth: “Your ibocaine factories…Mr. Veidt…”

Adrian: “It’s Adrian, Doug.”

Roth: “Right…right. Anyway. Since the implosion of the CIA ten years ago…”

Adrian: “I can’t really comment on that…”

Roth: “And thus the end of American exploitation of the coca fields…your Indigene Foundation has given…do I have this right…twelve million dollars, to Doctors Without Borders alone…”

Adrian: “Doug, those were supposed to be anonymous donations…how did you find that out? You know I’m going to need this part of the interview edited…”

Rorschach on the street, in the driving rain, huddled behind/against a trash can.

V/O Adrian: “If everyone knew how much money I give away…can I be frank? Off the record?”

Roth: “Sure.”

Some passerby throws Rorschach some money, a handful of nickels.

He tries to eat them through his mask. It doesn’t work.

V/O Adrian: “Because some of my charities, if it was known I give to them…

Roth: “Sure.”

V/O Adrian: “Well no one else would give to them, would they?”

Ginga Diner Girl: “Mister?”

GDG: “Mr…Mr. Rorschach?”

Rorschach: “Hrm.”

GDG: “My Auntie says, you should come in and get warm.”

Angle on R. He drops the nickels. In a gravelly voice, he says:

Rorschach: “She’s a good woman, your Auntie.”

GDG: “Sure she is.”

Rorschach: “Faithful. Not like those scum…”

GDG: “Mr. Rorschach, please come inside. You’ll catch your death of cold.”

Rorschach: “I would hate to see…them get ahold of y…” A trash can shifts behind him and he falls and hits his head. GDG rushes forward.

GDG: “Oh, Mr. Rorschach!”

Rorschach: “Hrm. Don’t worry about me. Can’t be hurt.”

GDG: “Yeah…” She helps him up, practically carries him inside

Rorschach: “Can’t be…can’t be hurt…always bounce back….human rubber…hrm, hah, Indian rubber…(repeats initial lines from Diary; “no” comes as GDG hauls him inside.)

Dan in his apartment. Buzzer goes, and he hits it, hears a woman’s voice. It’s Laurie.

Dan: “Hello?”

Laurie: “Me, Dan.”

Dan: (pauses) “Laurie, you’re supposed to say the password. We agreed.”

Laurie: “Fuck you and your passwords, Dan, do you know how hard it’s raining out here? Fucking little boy, no wonder you haven’t been laid in three years except by the lowest self-esteem bitch in the UNIVERSE! What is this, a fucking Encyclopedia Brown myste…? Christ, OPEN THIS DOOR THE FUCK UP!”

Dan: (pushing button, turning away) “Yeah, well…it’s you all right.” (He turns to the window and suddenly sees the Comedian going out of it. It’s an hallucination. He’s gobsmacked. Little pieces of glass seem to shower on his arms, get caught in his hair…he brushes them out…)

SLAM! Laurie walks in.

Laurie: “Holy fuck, leave your hair alone for once, honey.”

Dan: “I…I…”

Laurie: (sits on couch) “I brought a video. One of your favourites, you old freak.”

Dan: “Which…?” Bits of imaginary glass fall from his arms, making musical tinkling noises as they hit the ground.

Laurie: “‘Captain Blood’ Though why I endure your LAME obsession with these old movies I don’t know…”

Laurie: “…Gotta admit, Errol Flynn is kinda sexy, though…”

We are looking at Dan’s face, close up on his right eye…reflected in it is a city in flames…you know how. To imply the smiley-face. Vague violent shapes move in the reflection.

Dan: “Ah, God. I feel like…”

Laurie: “HONEY! I got this for YOU! You’re not getting any less fat, you know…”

Dan: (his face still) “Yeah…I know…” Turns away from the window…for a moment we still see the flames, peeling off to one side briefly, as if set free. Shadows seem to buckle around Dan, costume-like. Then he goes and sits down.

Laurie grabs his hand.

Laurie: (softly; we’re surprised by the softness of her tone) “What’s wrong?”

Dan: “Nothing.”

Laurie punches him really hard on the upper arm, and grimaces. “You’re dumb,” she says, again softly. “I feel bad all the time.”

Dan: “I know.”

Laurie: (twining her arms in with his) “I got this for you. Let’s watch it.”

Dan: “Okay.”

AND THUS ENDS THE FIRST SCENE. With Dan and Laurie watching “Captain Blood”.

I know, I know…I shouldn’t've hit “Submit Comment”. Oh well, too late now.

Anyway my Watchmen is just like “The Man In The High Castle”. There’s another history out there, not necessarily good, but anyway we can’t get to it. Really can’t. Just the refuse of somebody else’s dream.

As for Watchmen, the cartoon version that’s been going around the web lately is pretty funny, since it knowingly subverts the original material, but also the way adaptations like Snyder’s kind of file off the rough edges to make the material more palatable for the masses, along with the bizarre multiple personalities that superhero comics seem to have these days, presenting themselves as fun for kids while cramming in lots of adult material in a misguided attempt to make them more mature. Here’s a link, if you haven’t seen it already: http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/485797

Between the twenty years that have passed since its release and the amount of influence that it has had on the entire superhero genre, I can’t conceive of anyway that the movie could be made that would be faithful to the spirit of the original, coherent, watchable, and under four hours.

/with the caveat that I have not read the comic in years, so perhaps there some things that I’m missing.

As such, emphasis would be placed on cataloguing iterations of superhumanity through visual representation. By way of example, Rorschach’s attributed settings (the Apartment, the Prison) would be redolant with citation to painting from the Italian Baroque period, instantly suggesting the ‘spiritual’ nature of the hero’s drive through such Catholic-born imagery yet critiquing the Objectivist source of his mission via ironic analogy to the religion of empire. In contrast, Nite Owl II, while likewise Baroque in his lair, would showcase greater fealty to the so-called “genre work” (one of many quiet puns to be included) of the Dutch Golden Age, that leading movement toward areligious naturalism and, thus, the character’s more pliable humanity.

Both, of course, as human actors, will move in the same higly formal manner: that of their greatest artist, Steve Ditko. Each gesture shall be a Ditkovian pose, uniting them as superhuman brothers and departures from ‘human’ (polite) society, the crux of the Moore/Gibbons genre critique. Every superhero shall pose, and their conversation would serve the ‘plot’ second, and ideology first; ”realism’ is not the answer, as only interrogation of the form can grip the cinema’s power and affect the intellect. Only Dr. Manhattan, the ‘true’ superhuman, may walk freely and naturally, his nude form itself properly proportioned in the ‘classical’ godly image, as fortuitously was the Moore & Gibbons intent – contrast to Ozymandias, his monuments and sprawling architecture dwarfing him as but a human. Likewise, the camera must linger on the (frequent) nudity of Nite Owl II and Silk Spectre II, their imperfections beautiful and their bodies soft, yet their posture like wood before the steely relaxation of the always-nude Manhattan.

There would be no ‘main’ characters, although some ‘story’ progression would be conveyed in puzzle form through the defeat of 92 villains, the Comedian being the first; some will be obvious, some less so. Always, the heroes will be bloodied by their overt encounters with villains (in Prison, on the Streets), although their wounds always heal, while fallen foes become framed in exact citation to classical portraiture, truly simple humanity ‘sealed’ by aesthetic by artists-superhumans. As you have already guessed, Ozymandias is the 92nd villain, both reinforcing the (fearful!) symmetry of the work — through the Comedian’s status as likewise superhero yet also the first villain — and offering some conclusion as foe that cannot be bested, the presence of Uranium (atomic number 92) as the everlasting fear of the Cold War and, paradoxically, the defeat of Ozymandias’ effort for peace symbolized by himself.

And, obviously, Ozymandias would unleash the squid thirteen minutes ago, but you could have figured that out on your own!

Rated NC-17.